Thursday, December 29, 2016

This year at a glace and Goals for 2017

This year I...well you know whats funny...i had to look back on my Facebook to remember everything i did this year. So sad. But here was a actually a pretty good year.

  • Made my first snow man! 
  • Started a new job (actually in December 2015 but it was rally late December, so it was more a 2016 thing)

  • Had my first sleep over with my Nephew. We built a fort that covered my entire living room. Ms Meow and him fell in love that day, who knew my badass kitty could love a little kid that much!
  • I lost a ton of weight and a whole pants size. but then i gained it back :( Oreo's and I have a love/hate relationship. 

  • Got freaking married!! In Las Vegas with 40 of my favorite humans! Had an amazing bridal shower because of my sister and my mom-in-law and had the BEST bachelorette party cause of my bestie and my sister! The whole experience was A-freaking-mazing
  • Upgraded to Windows 10. OK this may not be a big deal to you, but I fix computers for a living, this is a big deal for me. 

  • Did a Color Run. Loved it. 
  • Started dying my hair fun colors. I have been through, Aqua, Blue, Galaxy, Pink and purple, and red/orange and pink
  • Sewed me and my Friends Halloween Costumes and they came out awesome.
  • Started this awesome blog :)

  • Went to my second Giants game (I am a Patriots fan, but Hunny is a Giants fan. The things we do for love...)
  • And of course, lived through this election year. Hunny and I are both avid political watchers and we try to vote as often as we can. I keep that stuff off this blog though since its not something i feel like spewing about on the internet. But lets just say this was my favorite meme this year:

"And in the end, its not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years." 

For 2017 I am asking myself to accomplish some realistic goals, and I will review at the end of 2017 and see how I did. 
  1. Conquer the closet! Try to organize my "closet space"(its actually an entire spare bedroom, not really a closet) with less clothes, less crap, and only keep stuff I really love. 
  2. Have a clean house more consistently. Start dusting and de-cluttering on the regular. 
  3. Start and finish 2 quilts. 
  4. Go to California and see my Cali family and hang with my Grandma.
  5. Get Hunny and I to eat more healthy and cook at least 4 days a week. 
  6. Continue this blog. 
  7. Set a real time frame for actually starting the addition to our house or decide another path.
  8. Donate blood 5 times this year.
  9. Do another fun run.
  10. Volunteer to help animals somewhere at least once. 
That's all realistic stuff right? Lets do this! 

Friday, December 23, 2016

Christmas Post - My yard the murder scene of Christmas Inflatables

Does anyone else give stories to inanimate objects besides me? Here is my Christmas Post, a story about the murder of Frosty and Penguin in my front lawn.
Every Christmas I decorate my house inside and out. I try to keep the blow ups to a minimum, I feel like too many blow ups take away from the lights. But I do have a couple because I have a big front yard and they take up some of the space. Apparently my secret to decorating is to fill all available space with Christmas related items.
Well, I have/had these 3 blow up guys that usually all stand next to each other, we call them the drunks. A penguin with a little Santa hat, a Frosty the snowman with a Christmas hat, and a Darth Vader. They were always falling down and we would find then face first in on the ground or laying on their backs like....well, like a drunk after to many late night whiskeys, hence the nickname for them. These guys would always be all fell over, or leaning against each other and I would tell them they had to lay off the booze and get job. This year, they were equally as off balance, apparently months in the attic didn't lead to any sort of recovery for them. But I noticed that this year Frosty kept trying to run away. I would find this guy far away from the spot he was supposed to be tied down to, sometimes still standing, sometimes laying face first on the ground, looking for all the world like he was being beaten and chased by Darth Vader. The Penguin this year, spent less time face first in the ground and much more time leaning against Vader looking like he was holding the guy back from some awful evil deed. Every day Hunny and I would put everyone back where they belong and Hunny would bitch about having to clean up after these damn drunks every day. But, each day, we would continue to find Frosty trying to make a break for it and the Penguin holding Vader back from evil deeds. Oddly enough, Vader, other then a handful of drunk nights having to pick him up, spent a signification amount of time this year standing up holding his light saber and looking all Christmas-y yet intimidating.
Well shit musta hit the fan the other night cause it turned into a murder scene...
Frosty and the Penguin didn't make it, they flat lined and I couldn't revive them. Their little fans are running and I cant find any holes, but they are in fact, flat as roadkill. Maybe blow up light sabers do not scorch leave marks. Darth Vader wins. Frosty died first, I found him first when I got home from work, the Penguin was next, I found him the next morning. I am not sure what the hell happened, maybe Vader just couldn't take Frosty's shit anymore. Maybe Frosty finally did something that the Penguin didn't want to hold Vader back any more. Maybe Frosty was a an asshole and talked a lot of crap. Maybe once Darth Vader got a taste of murder he went wild and then took out Penguin too. Maybe I am assuming gender or sexual preference too much and there was a love triangle and Vader was the scorned lover. Maybe the Penguin was Frosty's best friend's cousin and Vader was an evil abusive jerk. Maybe Frosty wasn't a drunk but an abused spouse and Vader finally went to far and killed him and Penguin was like "you killed my cousin!!" and Vader took him out too.
Maybe I am looking to far into should hear my stories about what is going on with the neighborhood cats....

Monday, December 19, 2016

Puzzle Page

Just in case you were sitting around and reading my blog and thought "You know what, I would really like to do a puzzle with this bitch's cat".  Here you go. is a really cool place to do puzzles online and I made some personal puzzles with Penny and Ms Meow. Online Puzzles are like all the fun of puzzles with none of the clean up!

Friday, December 16, 2016


Penny has secrets. Shes just not good at hiding them.
I like to write on here about the current themes in my life and the lessons i'm learning and stuff. Right now that theme seems to be secrets. I am not a secretive person, i am Katy the open book, love me or hate me. I keep other peoples secrets, they aren't mine to share so it doesn't bother me to hold them in. My own secrets i hate holding in because i feel like I'm betraying people. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those filter-less crazy people who shout to the world all my skeletons, but with Hunny and my close friends, i just blurt shit out about myself and hope for the best. My weight and struggles with feeling horrible about myself when i look in the mirror, there it is. Wanting to get pregnant and trying and how its driving me bonkers and all the crap that comes along with it, my friends all know more details then they want about it. Let it all out i say, or it will fester like a bad bug bite.
I feel like secrets are like time bombs. And not like a fun glitter bombs that when it goes off you are a little mad and then you laugh and then chase the cat away so she doesn't turn into a walking piece of construction paper touched by a glue happy 5 year old. No. Secrets are like cockroach filled bombs that go off and wiggle and scurry everywhere and freak out everyone around them and traumatize them for life. A kept secret is never kept, right? It just stays hidden until the most inopportune moment. What do you do once its out? That's what defines the secret keeper and the find-er out-er and who they are as people. Secrets make or break everything. Can something broken be fixed? I'm not sure it can. Something scratched, banged up, and beat to hell, maybe, but well and truly broken, not really. But i question, what defines broken? we aren't talking about a real live thing, interpersonal relationships aren't bowls, they are untouchable invisible things. So what makes an untouchable invisible thing be declared broken? Maybe its like math:
Let S= Secret and R= Relationship. if S < R then R will not be broken but just damaged.
Or maybe its like a video game health bar. Your relationship is the health bar and the strength of your relationship is how much health fits in there. Every relationship in your life would have this bar, be it friends, acquaintances, family or partners. The longer you know this person, the more you have been through together, adds more health to the bar and decides where it maxes out. Secrets are a hit and bring the health down, each person's reaction to the secret either adds or takes away health, and as long as its not too bad and everyone reacts in a way that wont hurt either person, it can take it and health can come back. If its to much, dead and broken.
A secret that is greater then the relationship and a reaction by someone that hurts either party cannot be fixed by any amount of metaphorical superglue. I have seen people act like its fixed, that act like the relationship isn't dead and broken, they can spend days, months, or even years acting like nothing is broken, but it doesn't matter. Broken is broken.
As I look around me and watch the people i care about be overwhelmed by secrets of their own and the secrets against them, I wonder, is any secret worth the cost?? There is always a cost, always a hit on the health bar of a relationship. Sometimes the cost is worth it, like a nice gift or a surprise, that's a small cost and health is restored immediately to the health bar once the find-er out-er sees the gift or surprise .
When i found out the biggest secret i had ever been put on me years ago it changed me. It was a defining moment in my life that still effects me today. It hit the health bar of my relationship with the secret keeper and my future with them hard. I knew deep down that my reaction was going to define me, my personality, and make or change person i wanted to be. It changed my personality stats if you will. I am not sorry for the hit points it took or the changes in me for a million reasons. But I lost a trust in that relationship, and even future relationships that had nothing to do with it. I became a little more jaded when i learned that even people you think you know, you never really know.
Maybe some secrets are a bomb the secret keeper wants to go off. Is a secret kept actually a form of self sabotage? Maybe. It sure feels like a hurtful sabotage to the find-er out-er. And being the find-er out-er hurts every single time. Even good secrets, because it still means you were going along living life and *bam* every conversation, every minute you lived this secret was looming, growing and happening and changing things and you had no control over anything or how it will effect things.
Maybe there are secrets that I don't need to know and that's something i need to deal with. But maybe, depending on the relationship, if you feel like it must be kept from someone, then you should think real hard about why your keeping it a secret. Is it cause they wont like it? bullshit excuse. Is it because telling them would be hard? bullshit. Will it keep them safe from harm? that's not for you decide. Is it something that could make them see you differently? then you better god damn tell. I'm sure a more shady gifted mind can give me reasons that are valid for secrets to be kept, but i guess that's on them to realize the costs and be careful of the hit points to the relationship. A kept secret is never really kept is it?

Thursday, December 8, 2016

Lessons I have learned from my cat - Penny's story

Penny is our local princess. She enjoys sittings on pillows, being part of the crowd, and being pet and paid attention to at all times. She has a pretty good life for a kitty with fur as soft as a rabbit and a nose and feet-pads as pink and perfect as any model kitty. When you first meet her, she comes up to you and stares at your lap and walks all over you until you realize she is waiting for you to fix your lap in to the way she likes so she may sit in it. Or she sits next to you and throws herself onto her back and looks up at you with a face so cute she must have learned it from a cartoon. She is spoiled, hates dirt, and has absolutely none of the predator instincts most cats are supposed to have.
Being around Penny, you would never know she is sick pretty much all the time. She has FIV and leukemia and lives most of her life with open sores in her mouth and in a consent state of teetering on the edge of some sickness or infection. She was born with FIV but wasn't diagnosed until she was about 10 months old, which was a couple months after we got her. The Dr told us we should love her as much as we could because she wasn't going to live much more then a few more months longer. Hunny was alone at the vet that day when they told him that and then he had to call me at work to tell me, he was a super strong dad for her that day and I can't image what he went through emotionally by himself. If you have ever been a pet parent, you know this sort of news was a special sort of heartbreak. We spent the week following that news both wishing we never knew and glad we knew so we could treat her the best way we could. We threw ourselves into the internet to find out everything we could, we went back to the Dr and asked a million questions, and of course we cuddled and loved her so much it is probably some of the reason she is such the entitled little princess she is today.
Thankfully that was almost 4 years ago and a kitty born with FIV who makes it past 3 years old has a very high chance of living a long life. Her Dr is wonderful and while she hates him passionately, we are grateful to him always. He has a million notes he keeps about her about everything, including the way she reacts to every medicine and every tiny change in her and all the things to look for. He has big bold letters on her folder about all the medicine he doesn't want going near her and the office is so polite about how they disinfect the rooms she goes in before and after her visits, since she is considered contagious and also so susceptible to other illnesses. We have found websites to buy her medicine from cheaper and the Dr gives us instructions about how to give her all her medicines and gives us nearly unlimited refills on the medicines she needs most often. The Dr always gives us credit about her good health these days, he is amazed at how well she is doing. We only go now to the vet around 2 or 3 times a year, which is amazing since the first year after diagnoses it was almost monthly.
It isn't just medicine we treat her with, its the food she eats too that keeps her healthy. While she hasn't eaten solid food now in over 3 years, she eats the best canned food I can find. I used to cook for her and puree her food, which was both smelly and time consuming. But now that we are good about keeping her healthy and giving her medicine before she gets very very sick, so she doesn't need the super vitamins that fresh food proves as much. Which is great because going on vacation is much more difficult when you need a person to come 2 times a day and cook your 8 pound princess kitty her food.
All these things and you wouldn't know any of if you met her and we never told you. She hides her pain under all of her fluff and cuteness and she takes all of the carting around to the vet and the medicines being stuck in her with a sass and courage that makes you proud of her. She has her "ow" moments when she yawns or opens her mouth and she cant bite people without hurting herself more more then you, but she can swipe and scratch like a tiger and keeps her nails sharp and immaculately cared for (just check out the ribbons Hunny's couch is in to see the evidence of that). FIV presents differently in all cats and Penny's mostly sticks to the sores in her mouth, but now she is starting to get ear infections in her left ear, so we have a new medicine on the shelf. But when you look at her cute face and watch her run around like a wild tornado and see her pretend to stalk her fuzzy mice like a (lame) tiger, you just wonder where all that courage is hiding under that soft bunny fur.
Things I have learns from my cat - Penny

  1. Pain may be present, but never let it bring you down.
  2. Take even the most annoying and degrading things with class and dignity.
  3. Live life with joy and happiness no matter what.
  4. Always look beautiful, even if it hurts, sometimes its the only reason to get up that day. 
  5. If they don't like you at first, sit on their lap anyway, they will give in eventually.
  6. Give kisses and cuddle often. 
  7. No matter how small you are or how sick you may be, be a fierce Tiger.

Thursday, December 1, 2016

Holiday bipolar

I love/hate the holiday season. Some of that hate has to do with the weather, because for me the switch from the fun laughter of summer to the magical comfort of the falling leaves to the dismal achiness of cold and winter every year is a slow torment. I hate the cold and everything that comes with it. I live in New Jersey so we get a solid 3 months of each season, sometimes the months get a little off (that's climate change for you), but we get all 4 seasons. But I hate snow, I hate gray skies, I hate when it gets bone cold and I hate when it gets dark at like 4 freaking 30 pm. I have so many bad depression days during the months of November and December I will often consider seeing a therapist, and sometimes I actually do. Its not just the cold though, because once the holidays pass and somewhere around the middle of January or the beginning of February, I start having more good days then bad and I can get through a week and actually smile a few times and I even start to go out and do things again like a normal person instead of being a weeping, floppy, unhappy blanket burrito that my friends and loved ones hardly see.
I love some parts of the holidays, which is why I do not call what I go through holiday "depression", its more like Holiday Bipolar. I love cooking for Thanksgiving and coming up with the menu, and I love shopping online the few days afterwards. I love choosing gifts to buy for everyone and thinking about their reaction when they open it and what they are going to "do" with their gift. I love Christmas decorating and the smell of a Christmas tree, and Christmas Eve and all the anticipation, and who can not love waking up Christmas morning when everything just feels like it is being run by a bunch of crazy happy 7-10 year old's. New Years to me feels like hope and joy and endless possibilities, its the end of the holidays filled with fireworks and friends. Somehow though once we wake up again January 1st, I get gloomy again because I realize nothing is different, the house is sticky from the party and we have to go to work again tomorrow. 
So for a few months, I am a mess. High moments of shopping for gifts and planning events and going to parties, and low and super low moments when I am barley able to move and every other sentence is punctuated by tears (my depression involves a lot of crying, maybe my brain is attempting to eject the depression through my tear ducts). Low moments when others ask "what do you want for Christmas" and spending hours disgusted with myself after to much negative introspection. Basically, I turn into a angry self-hating zombie who cries a lot. 
Hunny and my friends usually forgive me by the time I come back from all this. I am not sure what my friends actually think during this time, I hope they just assume I was busy. Hunny usually has to poke me and remind me that I have to get up and maintain human relationships and stop being an asshole to everyone, and if I get too bad he will coax me into talking through it and lets me cry on his shoulder. 
This year, this beginning of December, I am defiantly in the middle of my Holiday Bipolar. I am super excited for Christmas decorating this weekend! But I am also so low the fog of depression it is making days go by in a gloomy, difficult, sick, haze. 
I am trying to get through this phase, and I forget every year how difficult it is to pull yourself from the dark and get better. Yesterday I went for a walk and I actually managed to sleep almost the whole night last night. Today I am going to do my secret weapon against the cold/holiday bipolar....I am going tanning. Listen, its only a couple times a year when I am stuck in this depression so the badness from the tanning I feel is off-set by the sickness that depression lets in (yes, your body actually gets sick from being depressed and lots of other health problems). It gives me enough UV rays and warms up my body in ways that can help me get through and sometimes you just got to do what you got to do to get better.
Good luck to you all, remember your coping skills, and here is a picture of Penny being super cute, it helps me to smile.

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

My house is kind of a mess

I would like everyone to know, my house has been a reasonable level of clean for almost 2 weeks!!

Look, normally, my house is kind of a mess. I have no excuses, not really. I do not have children, I don't even have a dog. I am a happy kitty mom to Penny and Ms Meow, but they are rather small and Ms Meow lives in a kitty penthouse outside (Ms Meow Post). So really I only have Penny and my Hunny to clean up after besides myself. I would not consider my house dirty, I vacuum, I clean the bathroom, I dust, I do laundry and dishes are done, cat litter boxes don't go to long, trash is thrown away, my house is just a cluttered mess. My problem is picking up stuff. Laundry tends to take 3 or 4 days of sitting in a basket in the living room before its folded, the bedroom is in a constant state of "tornado just went through here", kitchen seems to always have a half empty liquor bottle on the counter and a left over cup from last night (I don't even drink), that sort of thing. When Hunny works a lot one of the first things I do either when he works a long day or an extra day, is clean clean clean. Then I can keep up with the mess of just myself and the few hours he is home and awake. Then I blame him entirely for the regular mess we have :)
My favorite attempt at becoming a clean person was the 20 minute rule. Every day I set my timer for 20 minutes and I clean everything I can in those 20 minutes. The on a day off I do that 3 or 4 times through out the day. That seriously worked for a while. Then I didn't do it one day, then one day became 2 days and 2 days became 3 days then I found a really good book and that just killed the whole thing cause I just had to finish this book before I cleaned, then I never got back on the horse.
I guess my excuse is that my goals in life are to be good person, not a neat and tidy person. Sure, mine and Hunny's clothes get to the veeeerrry bottom before I wash them (I will say we wear almost all our clothes and don't just rotate through the same clothes all the time because of this), and I flat out refuse to do dishes (that's his chore) unless he works more then 60 hours in a week. Cleaning just isn't my thing. I keep telling myself when we have kids I will have to get better, but if we are realistic here, just cause I will have kids, it's not going to change my cluttered self. When I was in the group home as a teen, they actually gave up on my room not being a FEMA disaster scene at all times and just said as long as I make progress on my mental health goals, they wont keep me locked up just for being a mess. At one time, I lived with a clean freak and she helped me to be WAY better, but even she just stopped going in my basement room after a while cause it gave her heart palpitations.
The Hunny
I try, I really do, and when Hunny is working a lot and its just me and Penny, it gets way better. But once he is home, I don't want to spend those moments with him cleaning, I want to cuddle and relax together, and cleaning is not our happy zone.
But, these last 2 weeks between having people over for thanksgiving and I have been miraculously driven to pick up after ourselves, its been pretty good. Yes I have hidden the 2 baskets of clean laundry that needs folding in the back corner of the house and I have been taking the Amazon boxes and hiding them away and not even opening them, BUT lets not get picky here. You can see the floor in my bedroom and my living room and kitchen are a level of neat and tidy that other humans would say "oh my house its way worse" even if they don't entirely mean it.

Wednesday, November 23, 2016


In honor of Thanksgiving tomorrow here is my Thanksgiving post. Appreciation is a synonym for thankful, which is what this holiday is about. 

Try this: every day whenever your head is empty and your thinking of random stuff, try and think of all the good things in your life. I don't mean big broad things that you don't really relate to but you say because they sound good, I mean the little things that happen every so often and make you smile. Like "my husband changed my oil today and rotated my tires" or "my kids drew me a picture today and they remembered my favorite color was red". Those tiny little things that recognize someone else or something else happened that means you are important, you are special and good things happen to you.
How often do you go all day feeling crappy like your not even sure why you bothered with getting dressed this cute today? Then you get home and your house is a mess and your just like, "forget it, I am going to bed at 6:00 cause nothing I do matters anyway". Spending time burrowing into your brain and memories and seeing these small things makes you appreciate your life more. It makes those sad days farther between (I haven't figured out how to figure out how to kill those days entirely yet, but I'm working on it I promise). It reminds you of why you love your significant other, it helps you see your family does appreciate your hard work, and in the worst cases, it forces you to see when someone doesn't appreciate you and the relationship is no good.
So many of our partners and loved ones don't give huge grand gestures of love and loyalty every day and even if our logical mind says of course they can't and that would be silly, we still want to feel appreciated. But if you take some of those random mindless times and try and find those moments, when someone does something for you that prove they think of you, that prove they know you and heard what you said, you have less and less moments of aggravation and annoyance and feeling like no one even notices you. and more appreciation for the world around you and the wonderful life you lead. Remember, nobody owes you anything in this world and you are only one responsible for you, anyone doing something to make your life better or easier or remembers something small about you is a gift that they are giving you out of love.

Here is 5 things I appreciate:
  1. My husband sends me good morning text when he gets to work cause he knows I needlessly worry every morning and sends me texts all day long. Sometimes they are just things he thinks I would find funny on the internet, sometimes its just good morning and asking how my day is. My husband thinks of me all day long.
  2. My Best adult friend and I talk in the morning before she goes to work sometimes. Sometimes we can't, but when we can, its great. We don't see each other often enough cause she is a wife and a mother, but we still keep up with each others lives even though we are 2 counties apart.
  3. My mom doesn't ask me all the time if I am pregnant yet or push books and "how to get pregnant" stuff on me. She knows its a hard spot for me, and I know she really wants to, but she tries to not bring it up. 
  4. My mother-in-law calls me just to talk and I like talking to her. How many people can say that they have such a great mother-in-law?!
  5. Three daisies grew in the flower pot around my mailbox. I couldn't get anything to grow there till now and even though I love daisies, I have trouble growing them anywhere. But three grew and bloomed and they look beautiful. 
    There is a guy who appreciates the little things.
    BTW Bob Ross is on Netflix in case you didn't know!

Friday, November 18, 2016

Desktop Fairy Gardens

So my girlfriend and I made these desktop fairy gardens last weekend and I finally remembered to bring it to work to put on my desk. Can you even handle the cuteness!!
The whole thing probably cost me about $40 and $20 of that was the bowl, so you really could buy a cheaper bowl or if you have one at home already even better. But here are the basic tools I used. Sorry I didn't take pictures as we were making them, I got over excited and forgot. 
  • Moss from Dollar General
  • Butterflies from Dollar General
  • Foam bottom filler from Dollar General (you can't see it here but its what everything is actually sitting on)
  • Real Succulents from Shop Rite
  • Fish castle and Fish rocks from Walmart
  • Bowl from Walmart
  • Mushrooms we made from Play-Doh and toothpicks. 
  • Twine I got at one of those Target Clarence section deals and added to the bowl with some hot glue

Front View
Back View
Up close view

On my desk! 
My Friend's, Freaking adorable! 

Her's is with a 6 cup measuring cup


Thursday, November 17, 2016

My Anti-Bucket List

So most people have a bucket list of things they want to do. I can't say I actually do, but I imagine that there are people that do since they made a movie with Morgan Freeman about the concept. Rather then a bucket list, here is my Anti-bucket list. This is all the stuff I really do not want to do before I die.
  1. Jump out of a plane/bungee jump/anything involving going from a very high place to the ground at terminal velocity. Please excuse my language here, but Fuck that shit. I like my feet on the ground and the good lord did NOT give me the ability to fly. I extremely dislike that feeling you get when your stomach lodges in your throat because you were foolish enough to think a machine or a pile of fabric will save your crazy ass from hitting the ground at a speed that will make your guts see the sunlight. 
  2. Get a black eye from a bar fight. Interesting fact about me, I have never been in a a bar fight. I have been in a few shoving matches at concerts but I have never been in a real bar fight. I am a mouthy little bitch sometimes and when I was in my early 20's I did spend a large portion of my weekend nights drinking at bars, but I didn't really attract the kind of folks that fight. Also I am a wuss that hides behind bigger meaner people then me when shit goes down. 
  3. Eat or do something horrible and post it on YouTube. Listen, I appreciate the folks that do because it cracks me up, but I have no idea what happens in peoples brain that makes them even THINK of this stuff, like these guys that make a cake with muscle simulators or the LA beast (that video link is the most cringe worthy thing I have ever seen in my life). I guess my head just doesn't work that way. Good.
  4. Pretty much anything my husband does at work. This video is a very cool video that shows a bunch of things he does. It makes the whole thing seem way more rock-star then it actually is, although I never met a boilermaker who didn't think he was on the same level of awesome as a rock star. Climbing high things, cleaning and grinding and scraping difficult things in awful places, working in very hot and very cold weather, doing exactly what your boss says even if its stupid, working with and depending on people who think setting their shoes on fire is a safe way to dry your shoes off, tight spaces, high spaces, unsafe spaces, long hours, crazy hours, no freaking way. 
  5. Do karaoke in front of people I don't know. Hell, doing karaoke in front of people I DO know would be bad, but I may someday be out of my mind enough to do it. But singing in front of a group of people I don't know seems like something the devil would do to torment my damned soul in hell. I am a terrible singer, like really not good; and showing off my nasally, off key, tone deaf singing voice with my superhuman ability to always be off time is something I never want to do. 
So there it is. I am sure there are a few more. Anyone else got a couple they want to share??  

Also something I never want to do.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

The moment you go from doing

One of the things I do a lot at work is projects. I bring my boss's or mine ideas to reality. Its probably one my favorite things to do, but it also stresses me out like a over pulled rubber band. There are a billion small and big projects in Real Life too. Here is the steps I follow when I am in charge of a project no matter if its work, or Real Life:
  1. Project idea presented and practicality and all that junk is hashed out
  2. Katy presents all the things that can/will go wrong, project presenter ignores them and says do it anyway but with none of that bad stuff. Katy has minor mental breakdown in her office and then accepts her lot in life and moves on.
  3. First draft lists are created. Steps to complete, issues to iron out, people to talk to. General timeline is created. either in writing or in my head.
  4. Call the first set of people that need to be called for quotes/scheduling/whatever needs to happen.
  5. Learn all the stuff I need to learn by interviewing people who know or researching online.
  6. Walk away from project cause its making my eye twitch. Don't come back for at least a week. My excuse is usually that I am waiting for something but this is the step that makes me not lose my mind. I have tried skipping this but then I just turn into a ball of anxiety that hates everything and I can't pull myself far enough away mentally to see the end result and get excited about accomplishing it. 
  7. Week or so passes and I return to my lists, maybe make another draft or edit the first one and I start following up with people who I feel are ignoring me and are out to ruin my life and start figuring out how to start crossing stuff off. Then people start getting back to me and I have to decide things.
  8. OK this is the part that gets freaking scary.
  9. Stuff starts happening Anyone who has ever started a project of any magnitude whether it be in Real Life or at work knows this is the part that keeps you up at night.Those tasks and lists you have start are coming to life, the gears start spinning, things start changing that will eventually end in your goal being completed. Its like, holy cow, you are a now a person who is making stuff happen!
  10. The dominoes start falling, all the items on the lists start getting checked off, you start getting that euphoria that makes you believe this could actually work and you may not have any issues at all. This is great!
  11. The final piece falls in place, go live day is here, this is the end....all your hard work is now visible to the world!
  12. Then something goes wrong. Maybe its a big thing, maybe its something you had no control over or its something you overlooked (at this point you may need to see previous blog post "Trying to hard"). Or maybe its a teeny tiny thing and everyone knows you couldn't have predicted this no matter what. No matter how big or small and who's fault it is, only experience will make you realize this always happens and is part of the project and you are not the biggest idiot in the world and a total failure. 
  13. You fix the issue, you realize some stuff cannot really be fixed and just has to play out. Your done. Maybe a few follow up items happen but unless you are an active part of this project, your basically done and its time to wash your hands of this whole thing and walk away. Pat yourself on the back, you did it lady. 
These are the steps for every project in my life with some minor variations. This is how I purchased my first home, this is how I planned my wedding, and this is also how I became the director of quality assurance at work and how I reformatted an entire network. This is years of anxiety, stress, foreshadowing, crying in the middle of the night, and this is how a mental patient teenager became a successful adult. Every single time, step 9 gets me. Its that moment you step off the bridge and jump. I am nobody's adrenaline junky guys, I don't feel a rush when I drive 110 mph, I just try to take a deep breath and look for the end and try to get excited for it. 

Friday, November 11, 2016

Lessons I have learned from my cat - Ms Meow's story,

If your not learning from the world around you, your not truly living. I'm not just talking about the amazing advice I give you here or the advice you get from other blogs or other humans who are older and wiser. I'm talking about learning from your pets, from the kiddos that have an untarnished world view, and even from the people who you can't stand. Here is something I learned from Ms Meow the other day:
No matter how badass you seem, we are all afraid of something.
This was a photo of Ms Meow during a thunderstorm. I found her hiding under my quad obviously afraid. As soon as I came into her little living space she came out and was attached to my hip until I had to leave. We cuddled and I sang to her until the worst of it was over.
Let me tell you Ms Meow's story real quick so you can get an idea how badass she really is and why her fear of thunderstorms was so amazing to me.

Ms Meow lived in a warehouse at an office I used to work at. Cars, trucks, cleaning chemicals, old grease and oil and sewage, all these things and more were stored in this warehouse. She was brought in about 10-15 years ago as a kitten to be the mouser. The owner had found her mama having a litter outside his house in the woods and decided she had good genes for that sort of thing. She was very good at her job for a lot of years. I believe they called her Tiger back then cause she was really a beast with the mice. The one great thing about her living there was that the office ran almost 24/7, so she had people around always day and night. This did not always mean all those people were nice to her, but there was usually a handful that fed her and made sure she was somewhat safe. The bad thing was she was very low to the ground and there was grease and chemicals everywhere on her level. And even the few people who took care of her in the office still had jobs to do and couldn't take proper care of a kitty cat. I started at that office in 2012. I became the one taking primary care of her at the office around 2013. When I met her she was so covered in...something....she didn't get pet often because the residue would come off on peoples hands, she got the name "gross cat" after a while. Everyone stopped 
October 2014
calling her Tiger and her name was lost to time and she was just "kitty" or "that nasty cat". Some folks had started to brush her out of pity, but I suspect that made it worse because she lost most of her hair a few times, I threw away the brush. They tried to give her a litter box, but no one cleaned it, so she would use it a few times then it got to nasty so she used the warehouse as her litter box and people hated her cause they would step in it all the time. She never had a solid poop that I saw and when I saw her try to go to the bathroom it looks painful. The nice overnight boys would feed her everything they ate and some would cuddle her even though she wasn't the cleanest or prettiest thing. I had to post a sign at one point about the dangers of some food products and cats because they fed her chocolate muffins. I was informed shortly after that, her favorite food was cheese doodles. She was very careful and always on guard for moving things high above her, but always seemed fearless in a way that you couldn't help admire. She slept anywhere she wanted and always seemed to own any space she stood in. She would yell at anyone who upset her, and would corner and hold anyone she decided was worthy of her time no matter if they wanted to or not. I was called on more then one occasion to come get her because she was terrorizing someone and obviously wanted something. To me she was everything that embodied a queen of her realm and I loved her for it. I heard stories over the years of when she got in a truck and went to a job with the overnight guys and stories of the insane amount of things folks had watched her kill. She brought me dead critters any time I went away for a few days, it always seemed she was like "here, you weren't here to feed me so I got it covered".
Then in June 2015, I think she was around 13 then but no one knows for sure, the bosses got tired of her. She was no longer "useful" to them. The company was growing, she was using the warehouse as a litter box, she was clearly sick, and they told me as I was about to leave on a vacation they would be putting her to sleep while I was gone. I calmly told them I hoped that someday when they were old, sick, and no longer considered useful someone put them to sleep. I called my Hunny, and explained the situation. He asked me to look for other outlets, because my indoor kitty Penny has FIV and we can not have another indoor cat or they may catch it. But if I couldn't find anything we would figure it out. I found some places that take in "retired" cats like her but they were very expensive and required the cat to get along with other cats, which Ms Meow did not. I couldn't leave her in a shelter, my heart wouldn't allow such a thing, and no one else at the office wanted her. So I went home to my wonderful Hunny and we figured out how we would bring her home. We had a large shed in the back yard we decided she could live and he put in a window unit air conditioner right away and a cat door and she came home with me the day before I went on vacation. Fortunately this was going to be a "stay-cation" for me, so I would be home to spend time helping her adjust. 
The day she came home was the a very long car ride. Ms Meow is very vocal when she is displeased and she was extremely displeased at being uprooted from her home, stuck in a cage, and tossed into a car. I had spent the days leading up to it doing everything I could to try and tell her what was about to happen. I talked her about it, heck I even tried sending thoughts through freaking telepathy (that's a thing, seriously, read this: Cat telepathy). I knew a big change like this could cause her stress and even kill her, but I told her it was all going to be okay and I promised I would keep her safe. For 2 days I kept her locked in the shed with the AC. I visited her at regular intervals and I gave her lots of love and treats. The third day I had to let her out in the afternoon after much cuddling, I knew I had to, she was never shut in like this before so this was near torture, but I was so nervous. She immediately went out and was gone without a trace. I waited for hours, I called for her, I lurked in peoples back yards, and I cried. I felt like I had let her down already, I had promised to keep her safe and she was already gone. Then at around 9 pm she came strolling up to me like it was no big thing! She meowed and talked like she was telling me about her day and I just scooped her up and hugged her and listened and talked back like we were best friends! After that day we started a new routine of a daily wipe down with kitty cleaning cloths and very healthy cat food and regular visits to the shed. After about 3 months we saw her clean herself for the very first time, it was a freaking miracle, I posted about it on social media and called my parents I was so excited! She started to have normal poop, used the litter box like normal, grew all her hair back plus more, and she came home every night to say good night to me. 
It has been a year and a half since she came home. She is living a dream retirement I like to think. Her shed is now a kitty penthouse, including a heater for winter time, insulated walls (better insulated then my damn house to be honest with you), a safe cat door that only allows her to come in and out, and several soft beds for her to lay in. She enjoys summertime backyard yoga with me and has several favorite spots throughout the yard. She doesn't go very far any more, and she has days you can tell her age and all that she has been though. My friends all love her and she gets pet by everyone and told she is beautiful all the time. She loves when people sing to her and I have dedicated Nirvana - Where did you sleep last night to her. She drools more then I have ever seen any cat drool and "makes biscuits" a little more rough then is comfortable, but we work through that by only letting her sit in my lap when I have a very thick towel. 
I have learned so much from her and she teaches me more all the time. 
  • Practical Fearlessness in the face of danger and the unknown while keeping your head about your own realistic weaknesses. 
  • Humble pride when you still want someone to hold you when your afraid, but still stay proud of everything you have been through. 
  • Forgiveness and beauty in the face of ugliness when others throw you away, but you come back strong with no anger or hate and only kindness and love. 
  • Patience, knowing you  don't need to be the youngest, strongest or fastest to catch the chipmunk. 

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Adult Friendships

What a nightmare it is, traversing the landscape that is adulthood. You spend 7+ hours a day at work or in some way spending time with people you don't really like, smiling that face of falseness that your paycheck or something else forces you too make. Then you get home and in your free time you try to put yourself in a happy little bubble with only people you like but then your happy little bubble changes as you grow up. People your friends with change or move away or you grow apart or something equally as depressing. Making new friends becomes something you require social skills for, and you forgot to develop those when you were busy smoking weed and playing video games with your high school buddies. That's okay, you think to yourself, I somehow made a couple friends along the way here that are still around. Then they start to grow up and change and have relationships with other humans, then you start to grow up and change and have relationships (hopefully). Now your put into situations with other people. Your spouse's friends, your spouse's friends spouse, that new loud buddy your other friend made, your co-workers who insist you go with them to grab a beer after work. Oh god, other people. Now we have to talk to those people and try and relate to those people. What if they have different political views then me and I think that they are uninformed idiots? Or what if they smell funny but they seem really nice? Or what if they are just reeeealy unlikable?
As an adult you have to look at relationships with a little more depth then we used to and you have to look at your own self with more depth too. It may mean that you have to let go of a friendship that at one time were extremely important to you and you need to be okay with losing that friendship and not hang on to it just because its comfortable. It also may mean making a friendship with people who you don't necessarily love every aspect about them. A good friend isn't always the person you trust with your weird secrets, but may instead be a person who you just enjoy a specific hobby with or maybe just has a similar schedule then you. A good friend may actually be a few people who each hold one part of you. 
You can't always avoid someone that you don't really like either. Sometimes you have to smile and just deal and make the best of a situation that you wouldn't normally put yourself in. I struggle with my own principals when I am put in situations like this. I want to be an honest person, I never want to be considered "fake" to others or feel like I am just acting like I do at wok. When I am in a setting where I have to smile and deal and its not work, I really feel like a big faker. But spending time with someone you didn't think you liked is not necessarily being fake, its understanding that just because your ego decided something about another person, sometimes you need to put on your big girl bloomers and realize that its just your ego talking and grow up and look past that. Being genuine and honest and not fake, also means you have to be kind and empathetic at times.

Monday, November 7, 2016

On Fashion

Once many moons ago, I was an angry goth kid. Immediately following that I went to a school that required a uniform of a navy collared shirt and khaki pants (::shivers:: it look me a long time to wear khaki again), once I was required a uniform I began my "screw fashion" phase and wore cheap shapeless clothing that made me look as young as I was. I would like to tell you that phase didn't last long, but that would be a lie, that lasted till I was around 25. Periodically I would buy something that fit, but really, it was just a long line of bland, shapeless, unmatching things that said nothing about my personal fashion or my personality other then "look how much I don't care about myself, isn't it ironic". What the heck was I thinking?!
My personal fashion has grown and changed a lot over the years, as everyone's does. Mostly because of my job, but also because one of the really great things about getting older is that you start to get more comfortable with who you are as a person and you can express it more comfortably and feel less self conscious about it. Don't get me wrong, I am not out to be Mz Fashion Icon here. I believe in spending a little money on the fashion staples and getting everything else as cheap as possible. I am no good with name brands, I just like stuff I think is pretty and looks good on me. Fashion is more then just wearing what is required of you, its a way to express all of the colors and thoughts you want the world to see in you in a tiny instant. Its being able to walk into a meeting room filled with men who think your just a dippy IT girl and demanding respect and attention before you even open your mouth. Fashion is comfort on a bad day and an explosion of joy on a good day. So here is a a couple things I wear and how they make me feel.
 I recently got this leather jacket after losing my favorite leather jacket in the mall in a moment of carelessness. This outfit makes me feel skinny and pretty. Boots i have had forever.
After photo shoot with my friend yesterday in an attempt to get a decent picture of me for this blog. I love this outfit, it makes me feel fashionable and adorable and expresses who I feel like I am. Skirt from Primark  Boots from Boscovs The sweater was a gift from a friend.

 Kohl's jacket, Old Navy Skirt. I felt like a badass lady in this. Like I was on point and gonna teach some bitches how to use a computer and they were gonna like it! 

  Kohl's jacket, Old Navy Skirt again. Crazy how you can dress almost the same outfit different way right!? 

 Another Kohl's jacket, this picture doesn't do it justice though, its all polka dot and puffy adorable sleeves! This is from me old job when I was able to wear jeans. Love the Jeans and a jacket combo. Looks so "casual business lady" to me. 

 Modcloth Love. Can't even being to tell you how much I love them! The Shoes and Shirt are both from there. Felt so skinny and pretty and cool in this. I think i wore this outfit with different shoes that day, But who doesn't love those shoes!! 

My wedding Dress! If we are gonna talk about my fav fashion, I gotta put my wedding dress out there! I felt so pretty and perfectly ME in that dress. Recognize the shoes!?

Friday, November 4, 2016

Trying to hard

Have you ever tried to do something so hard that eventually you fail at it, just because you tried so hard? Why do we do that to ourselves? I do it all the time. Take this blog for instance. This is my first entry. Not really though, this is actually my 3rd entry, I deleted the first 2 because I hated them. Cause I tried so hard and I wanted to "make my blog about something" but it all came out forced and I sounded like a douchebag. I hate sounding like a douchebag (thank you spell check for fixing my spelling of douchebag, wouldn't want the grammar nazi's correcting that would we).
What are you supposed to do when you try so hard and fail. The obvious answer being "don't try so hard", well that isn't an option. If I could do that I wouldn't have tried so hard in the first damn place. I feel like lately that's been the reoccurring theme of my life. I try too hard at something > I fail > someone I love gives me the amazing advice to not try so hard > blah blah blah. Obviously this doesn't happen every time, we all succeed sometimes when we try, right? Look at the World Series that just happened, that happy little baseball team tried as hard as any team can try, and look, they finally won! But I firmly believe they would understand what I am saying here because they have likely been trying very hard since 1908 and failing. I bet they are very jealous of the Yankees or whatever other teams win a lot in baseball (sorry guys, my dad is a Yankees fan and that's the only team I know that wins a lot). I am very jealous of those people that try and success at a ratio that seems much higher then mine. Then they have some amazingly inspiring story or trial and tribulation that just makes me feel worse about myself cause they are obviously a much better person that I am for going through all that and not becoming the sad lay-about who bitches about failing all the time that I am.
So whats the answer? We don't ask gym coaches and extremely inspirational people to help answer that because they just give us a really great inspirational speech that make us secretly hate them a little (we just like to read the one-sentence quotes they say about trying harder and digging deeper). Now I am the kind of gal that when I see a problem, I like to fix it. Its like a daemon inside me that must fix things. But you know what I hate? That often there isn't an answer that just fixes things, or the answer isn't reasonable, acceptable, or its something I have tried that just doesn't seem to work. You fat? Diet and exercise is the answer! You fail every time you try to hard? Don't try so hard! Your finger hurt every time you bend it? Don't bend it! These are not answers that the fix-it daemon inside me find acceptable. So what now? How do we move on and continue this dog-gone life continuing to try and try and continuing to be that guy or gal that fails and fails. Well I guess we take a lesson from that little baseball team (the Chicago Cubs by the way) who kept trying for 108 years and finally succeeded. How many guys in that time started and ended their career on that team but never saw success, how many fans lived and died without ever seeing their favorite team get to the world series, hell if you check Wikipedia the did't do much winning at all for 71 years but they kept freaking trying. "But they get paid" you tell me? Well, if your trying at something your obviously trying for a reason, so whatever that reason is, that is your "getting paid".
So I guess I will stop trying, or keep trying, or what-the-heck-ever, maybe eventually I will be that inspirational jerk you can secretly hate a little but you can read and post my awesome quotes. Here is one for you:
If your figure hurts when you bend it, stop bending it for now and try again later.