Thursday, December 29, 2016

This year at a glace and Goals for 2017

This year I...well you know whats funny...i had to look back on my Facebook to remember everything i did this year. So sad. But here was a actually a pretty good year.

  • Made my first snow man! 
  • Started a new job (actually in December 2015 but it was rally late December, so it was more a 2016 thing)

  • Had my first sleep over with my Nephew. We built a fort that covered my entire living room. Ms Meow and him fell in love that day, who knew my badass kitty could love a little kid that much!
  • I lost a ton of weight and a whole pants size. but then i gained it back :( Oreo's and I have a love/hate relationship. 

  • Got freaking married!! In Las Vegas with 40 of my favorite humans! Had an amazing bridal shower because of my sister and my mom-in-law and had the BEST bachelorette party cause of my bestie and my sister! The whole experience was A-freaking-mazing
  • Upgraded to Windows 10. OK this may not be a big deal to you, but I fix computers for a living, this is a big deal for me. 

  • Did a Color Run. Loved it. 
  • Started dying my hair fun colors. I have been through, Aqua, Blue, Galaxy, Pink and purple, and red/orange and pink
  • Sewed me and my Friends Halloween Costumes and they came out awesome.
  • Started this awesome blog :)

  • Went to my second Giants game (I am a Patriots fan, but Hunny is a Giants fan. The things we do for love...)
  • And of course, lived through this election year. Hunny and I are both avid political watchers and we try to vote as often as we can. I keep that stuff off this blog though since its not something i feel like spewing about on the internet. But lets just say this was my favorite meme this year:

"And in the end, its not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years." 

For 2017 I am asking myself to accomplish some realistic goals, and I will review at the end of 2017 and see how I did. 
  1. Conquer the closet! Try to organize my "closet space"(its actually an entire spare bedroom, not really a closet) with less clothes, less crap, and only keep stuff I really love. 
  2. Have a clean house more consistently. Start dusting and de-cluttering on the regular. 
  3. Start and finish 2 quilts. 
  4. Go to California and see my Cali family and hang with my Grandma.
  5. Get Hunny and I to eat more healthy and cook at least 4 days a week. 
  6. Continue this blog. 
  7. Set a real time frame for actually starting the addition to our house or decide another path.
  8. Donate blood 5 times this year.
  9. Do another fun run.
  10. Volunteer to help animals somewhere at least once. 
That's all realistic stuff right? Lets do this! 

Friday, December 23, 2016

Christmas Post - My yard the murder scene of Christmas Inflatables

Does anyone else give stories to inanimate objects besides me? Here is my Christmas Post, a story about the murder of Frosty and Penguin in my front lawn.
Every Christmas I decorate my house inside and out. I try to keep the blow ups to a minimum, I feel like too many blow ups take away from the lights. But I do have a couple because I have a big front yard and they take up some of the space. Apparently my secret to decorating is to fill all available space with Christmas related items.
Well, I have/had these 3 blow up guys that usually all stand next to each other, we call them the drunks. A penguin with a little Santa hat, a Frosty the snowman with a Christmas hat, and a Darth Vader. They were always falling down and we would find then face first in on the ground or laying on their backs like....well, like a drunk after to many late night whiskeys, hence the nickname for them. These guys would always be all fell over, or leaning against each other and I would tell them they had to lay off the booze and get job. This year, they were equally as off balance, apparently months in the attic didn't lead to any sort of recovery for them. But I noticed that this year Frosty kept trying to run away. I would find this guy far away from the spot he was supposed to be tied down to, sometimes still standing, sometimes laying face first on the ground, looking for all the world like he was being beaten and chased by Darth Vader. The Penguin this year, spent less time face first in the ground and much more time leaning against Vader looking like he was holding the guy back from some awful evil deed. Every day Hunny and I would put everyone back where they belong and Hunny would bitch about having to clean up after these damn drunks every day. But, each day, we would continue to find Frosty trying to make a break for it and the Penguin holding Vader back from evil deeds. Oddly enough, Vader, other then a handful of drunk nights having to pick him up, spent a signification amount of time this year standing up holding his light saber and looking all Christmas-y yet intimidating.
Well shit musta hit the fan the other night cause it turned into a murder scene...
Frosty and the Penguin didn't make it, they flat lined and I couldn't revive them. Their little fans are running and I cant find any holes, but they are in fact, flat as roadkill. Maybe blow up light sabers do not scorch leave marks. Darth Vader wins. Frosty died first, I found him first when I got home from work, the Penguin was next, I found him the next morning. I am not sure what the hell happened, maybe Vader just couldn't take Frosty's shit anymore. Maybe Frosty finally did something that the Penguin didn't want to hold Vader back any more. Maybe Frosty was a an asshole and talked a lot of crap. Maybe once Darth Vader got a taste of murder he went wild and then took out Penguin too. Maybe I am assuming gender or sexual preference too much and there was a love triangle and Vader was the scorned lover. Maybe the Penguin was Frosty's best friend's cousin and Vader was an evil abusive jerk. Maybe Frosty wasn't a drunk but an abused spouse and Vader finally went to far and killed him and Penguin was like "you killed my cousin!!" and Vader took him out too.
Maybe I am looking to far into should hear my stories about what is going on with the neighborhood cats....

Monday, December 19, 2016

Puzzle Page

Just in case you were sitting around and reading my blog and thought "You know what, I would really like to do a puzzle with this bitch's cat".  Here you go. is a really cool place to do puzzles online and I made some personal puzzles with Penny and Ms Meow. Online Puzzles are like all the fun of puzzles with none of the clean up!

Friday, December 16, 2016


Penny has secrets. Shes just not good at hiding them.
I like to write on here about the current themes in my life and the lessons i'm learning and stuff. Right now that theme seems to be secrets. I am not a secretive person, i am Katy the open book, love me or hate me. I keep other peoples secrets, they aren't mine to share so it doesn't bother me to hold them in. My own secrets i hate holding in because i feel like I'm betraying people. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those filter-less crazy people who shout to the world all my skeletons, but with Hunny and my close friends, i just blurt shit out about myself and hope for the best. My weight and struggles with feeling horrible about myself when i look in the mirror, there it is. Wanting to get pregnant and trying and how its driving me bonkers and all the crap that comes along with it, my friends all know more details then they want about it. Let it all out i say, or it will fester like a bad bug bite.
I feel like secrets are like time bombs. And not like a fun glitter bombs that when it goes off you are a little mad and then you laugh and then chase the cat away so she doesn't turn into a walking piece of construction paper touched by a glue happy 5 year old. No. Secrets are like cockroach filled bombs that go off and wiggle and scurry everywhere and freak out everyone around them and traumatize them for life. A kept secret is never kept, right? It just stays hidden until the most inopportune moment. What do you do once its out? That's what defines the secret keeper and the find-er out-er and who they are as people. Secrets make or break everything. Can something broken be fixed? I'm not sure it can. Something scratched, banged up, and beat to hell, maybe, but well and truly broken, not really. But i question, what defines broken? we aren't talking about a real live thing, interpersonal relationships aren't bowls, they are untouchable invisible things. So what makes an untouchable invisible thing be declared broken? Maybe its like math:
Let S= Secret and R= Relationship. if S < R then R will not be broken but just damaged.
Or maybe its like a video game health bar. Your relationship is the health bar and the strength of your relationship is how much health fits in there. Every relationship in your life would have this bar, be it friends, acquaintances, family or partners. The longer you know this person, the more you have been through together, adds more health to the bar and decides where it maxes out. Secrets are a hit and bring the health down, each person's reaction to the secret either adds or takes away health, and as long as its not too bad and everyone reacts in a way that wont hurt either person, it can take it and health can come back. If its to much, dead and broken.
A secret that is greater then the relationship and a reaction by someone that hurts either party cannot be fixed by any amount of metaphorical superglue. I have seen people act like its fixed, that act like the relationship isn't dead and broken, they can spend days, months, or even years acting like nothing is broken, but it doesn't matter. Broken is broken.
As I look around me and watch the people i care about be overwhelmed by secrets of their own and the secrets against them, I wonder, is any secret worth the cost?? There is always a cost, always a hit on the health bar of a relationship. Sometimes the cost is worth it, like a nice gift or a surprise, that's a small cost and health is restored immediately to the health bar once the find-er out-er sees the gift or surprise .
When i found out the biggest secret i had ever been put on me years ago it changed me. It was a defining moment in my life that still effects me today. It hit the health bar of my relationship with the secret keeper and my future with them hard. I knew deep down that my reaction was going to define me, my personality, and make or change person i wanted to be. It changed my personality stats if you will. I am not sorry for the hit points it took or the changes in me for a million reasons. But I lost a trust in that relationship, and even future relationships that had nothing to do with it. I became a little more jaded when i learned that even people you think you know, you never really know.
Maybe some secrets are a bomb the secret keeper wants to go off. Is a secret kept actually a form of self sabotage? Maybe. It sure feels like a hurtful sabotage to the find-er out-er. And being the find-er out-er hurts every single time. Even good secrets, because it still means you were going along living life and *bam* every conversation, every minute you lived this secret was looming, growing and happening and changing things and you had no control over anything or how it will effect things.
Maybe there are secrets that I don't need to know and that's something i need to deal with. But maybe, depending on the relationship, if you feel like it must be kept from someone, then you should think real hard about why your keeping it a secret. Is it cause they wont like it? bullshit excuse. Is it because telling them would be hard? bullshit. Will it keep them safe from harm? that's not for you decide. Is it something that could make them see you differently? then you better god damn tell. I'm sure a more shady gifted mind can give me reasons that are valid for secrets to be kept, but i guess that's on them to realize the costs and be careful of the hit points to the relationship. A kept secret is never really kept is it?

Thursday, December 8, 2016

Lessons I have learned from my cat - Penny's story

Penny is our local princess. She enjoys sittings on pillows, being part of the crowd, and being pet and paid attention to at all times. She has a pretty good life for a kitty with fur as soft as a rabbit and a nose and feet-pads as pink and perfect as any model kitty. When you first meet her, she comes up to you and stares at your lap and walks all over you until you realize she is waiting for you to fix your lap in to the way she likes so she may sit in it. Or she sits next to you and throws herself onto her back and looks up at you with a face so cute she must have learned it from a cartoon. She is spoiled, hates dirt, and has absolutely none of the predator instincts most cats are supposed to have.
Being around Penny, you would never know she is sick pretty much all the time. She has FIV and leukemia and lives most of her life with open sores in her mouth and in a consent state of teetering on the edge of some sickness or infection. She was born with FIV but wasn't diagnosed until she was about 10 months old, which was a couple months after we got her. The Dr told us we should love her as much as we could because she wasn't going to live much more then a few more months longer. Hunny was alone at the vet that day when they told him that and then he had to call me at work to tell me, he was a super strong dad for her that day and I can't image what he went through emotionally by himself. If you have ever been a pet parent, you know this sort of news was a special sort of heartbreak. We spent the week following that news both wishing we never knew and glad we knew so we could treat her the best way we could. We threw ourselves into the internet to find out everything we could, we went back to the Dr and asked a million questions, and of course we cuddled and loved her so much it is probably some of the reason she is such the entitled little princess she is today.
Thankfully that was almost 4 years ago and a kitty born with FIV who makes it past 3 years old has a very high chance of living a long life. Her Dr is wonderful and while she hates him passionately, we are grateful to him always. He has a million notes he keeps about her about everything, including the way she reacts to every medicine and every tiny change in her and all the things to look for. He has big bold letters on her folder about all the medicine he doesn't want going near her and the office is so polite about how they disinfect the rooms she goes in before and after her visits, since she is considered contagious and also so susceptible to other illnesses. We have found websites to buy her medicine from cheaper and the Dr gives us instructions about how to give her all her medicines and gives us nearly unlimited refills on the medicines she needs most often. The Dr always gives us credit about her good health these days, he is amazed at how well she is doing. We only go now to the vet around 2 or 3 times a year, which is amazing since the first year after diagnoses it was almost monthly.
It isn't just medicine we treat her with, its the food she eats too that keeps her healthy. While she hasn't eaten solid food now in over 3 years, she eats the best canned food I can find. I used to cook for her and puree her food, which was both smelly and time consuming. But now that we are good about keeping her healthy and giving her medicine before she gets very very sick, so she doesn't need the super vitamins that fresh food proves as much. Which is great because going on vacation is much more difficult when you need a person to come 2 times a day and cook your 8 pound princess kitty her food.
All these things and you wouldn't know any of if you met her and we never told you. She hides her pain under all of her fluff and cuteness and she takes all of the carting around to the vet and the medicines being stuck in her with a sass and courage that makes you proud of her. She has her "ow" moments when she yawns or opens her mouth and she cant bite people without hurting herself more more then you, but she can swipe and scratch like a tiger and keeps her nails sharp and immaculately cared for (just check out the ribbons Hunny's couch is in to see the evidence of that). FIV presents differently in all cats and Penny's mostly sticks to the sores in her mouth, but now she is starting to get ear infections in her left ear, so we have a new medicine on the shelf. But when you look at her cute face and watch her run around like a wild tornado and see her pretend to stalk her fuzzy mice like a (lame) tiger, you just wonder where all that courage is hiding under that soft bunny fur.
Things I have learns from my cat - Penny

  1. Pain may be present, but never let it bring you down.
  2. Take even the most annoying and degrading things with class and dignity.
  3. Live life with joy and happiness no matter what.
  4. Always look beautiful, even if it hurts, sometimes its the only reason to get up that day. 
  5. If they don't like you at first, sit on their lap anyway, they will give in eventually.
  6. Give kisses and cuddle often. 
  7. No matter how small you are or how sick you may be, be a fierce Tiger.

Thursday, December 1, 2016

Holiday bipolar

I love/hate the holiday season. Some of that hate has to do with the weather, because for me the switch from the fun laughter of summer to the magical comfort of the falling leaves to the dismal achiness of cold and winter every year is a slow torment. I hate the cold and everything that comes with it. I live in New Jersey so we get a solid 3 months of each season, sometimes the months get a little off (that's climate change for you), but we get all 4 seasons. But I hate snow, I hate gray skies, I hate when it gets bone cold and I hate when it gets dark at like 4 freaking 30 pm. I have so many bad depression days during the months of November and December I will often consider seeing a therapist, and sometimes I actually do. Its not just the cold though, because once the holidays pass and somewhere around the middle of January or the beginning of February, I start having more good days then bad and I can get through a week and actually smile a few times and I even start to go out and do things again like a normal person instead of being a weeping, floppy, unhappy blanket burrito that my friends and loved ones hardly see.
I love some parts of the holidays, which is why I do not call what I go through holiday "depression", its more like Holiday Bipolar. I love cooking for Thanksgiving and coming up with the menu, and I love shopping online the few days afterwards. I love choosing gifts to buy for everyone and thinking about their reaction when they open it and what they are going to "do" with their gift. I love Christmas decorating and the smell of a Christmas tree, and Christmas Eve and all the anticipation, and who can not love waking up Christmas morning when everything just feels like it is being run by a bunch of crazy happy 7-10 year old's. New Years to me feels like hope and joy and endless possibilities, its the end of the holidays filled with fireworks and friends. Somehow though once we wake up again January 1st, I get gloomy again because I realize nothing is different, the house is sticky from the party and we have to go to work again tomorrow. 
So for a few months, I am a mess. High moments of shopping for gifts and planning events and going to parties, and low and super low moments when I am barley able to move and every other sentence is punctuated by tears (my depression involves a lot of crying, maybe my brain is attempting to eject the depression through my tear ducts). Low moments when others ask "what do you want for Christmas" and spending hours disgusted with myself after to much negative introspection. Basically, I turn into a angry self-hating zombie who cries a lot. 
Hunny and my friends usually forgive me by the time I come back from all this. I am not sure what my friends actually think during this time, I hope they just assume I was busy. Hunny usually has to poke me and remind me that I have to get up and maintain human relationships and stop being an asshole to everyone, and if I get too bad he will coax me into talking through it and lets me cry on his shoulder. 
This year, this beginning of December, I am defiantly in the middle of my Holiday Bipolar. I am super excited for Christmas decorating this weekend! But I am also so low the fog of depression it is making days go by in a gloomy, difficult, sick, haze. 
I am trying to get through this phase, and I forget every year how difficult it is to pull yourself from the dark and get better. Yesterday I went for a walk and I actually managed to sleep almost the whole night last night. Today I am going to do my secret weapon against the cold/holiday bipolar....I am going tanning. Listen, its only a couple times a year when I am stuck in this depression so the badness from the tanning I feel is off-set by the sickness that depression lets in (yes, your body actually gets sick from being depressed and lots of other health problems). It gives me enough UV rays and warms up my body in ways that can help me get through and sometimes you just got to do what you got to do to get better.
Good luck to you all, remember your coping skills, and here is a picture of Penny being super cute, it helps me to smile.