Thursday, December 1, 2016

Holiday bipolar

I love/hate the holiday season. Some of that hate has to do with the weather, because for me the switch from the fun laughter of summer to the magical comfort of the falling leaves to the dismal achiness of cold and winter every year is a slow torment. I hate the cold and everything that comes with it. I live in New Jersey so we get a solid 3 months of each season, sometimes the months get a little off (that's climate change for you), but we get all 4 seasons. But I hate snow, I hate gray skies, I hate when it gets bone cold and I hate when it gets dark at like 4 freaking 30 pm. I have so many bad depression days during the months of November and December I will often consider seeing a therapist, and sometimes I actually do. Its not just the cold though, because once the holidays pass and somewhere around the middle of January or the beginning of February, I start having more good days then bad and I can get through a week and actually smile a few times and I even start to go out and do things again like a normal person instead of being a weeping, floppy, unhappy blanket burrito that my friends and loved ones hardly see.
I love some parts of the holidays, which is why I do not call what I go through holiday "depression", its more like Holiday Bipolar. I love cooking for Thanksgiving and coming up with the menu, and I love shopping online the few days afterwards. I love choosing gifts to buy for everyone and thinking about their reaction when they open it and what they are going to "do" with their gift. I love Christmas decorating and the smell of a Christmas tree, and Christmas Eve and all the anticipation, and who can not love waking up Christmas morning when everything just feels like it is being run by a bunch of crazy happy 7-10 year old's. New Years to me feels like hope and joy and endless possibilities, its the end of the holidays filled with fireworks and friends. Somehow though once we wake up again January 1st, I get gloomy again because I realize nothing is different, the house is sticky from the party and we have to go to work again tomorrow. 
So for a few months, I am a mess. High moments of shopping for gifts and planning events and going to parties, and low and super low moments when I am barley able to move and every other sentence is punctuated by tears (my depression involves a lot of crying, maybe my brain is attempting to eject the depression through my tear ducts). Low moments when others ask "what do you want for Christmas" and spending hours disgusted with myself after to much negative introspection. Basically, I turn into a angry self-hating zombie who cries a lot. 
Hunny and my friends usually forgive me by the time I come back from all this. I am not sure what my friends actually think during this time, I hope they just assume I was busy. Hunny usually has to poke me and remind me that I have to get up and maintain human relationships and stop being an asshole to everyone, and if I get too bad he will coax me into talking through it and lets me cry on his shoulder. 
This year, this beginning of December, I am defiantly in the middle of my Holiday Bipolar. I am super excited for Christmas decorating this weekend! But I am also so low the fog of depression it is making days go by in a gloomy, difficult, sick, haze. 
I am trying to get through this phase, and I forget every year how difficult it is to pull yourself from the dark and get better. Yesterday I went for a walk and I actually managed to sleep almost the whole night last night. Today I am going to do my secret weapon against the cold/holiday bipolar....I am going tanning. Listen, its only a couple times a year when I am stuck in this depression so the badness from the tanning I feel is off-set by the sickness that depression lets in (yes, your body actually gets sick from being depressed and lots of other health problems). It gives me enough UV rays and warms up my body in ways that can help me get through and sometimes you just got to do what you got to do to get better.
Good luck to you all, remember your coping skills, and here is a picture of Penny being super cute, it helps me to smile.

1 comment:

  1. I get like this too!!! Holidays are sometimes an awkward time of year 😑