Friday, December 16, 2016

Secrets

Penny has secrets. Shes just not good at hiding them.
I like to write on here about the current themes in my life and the lessons i'm learning and stuff. Right now that theme seems to be secrets. I am not a secretive person, i am Katy the open book, love me or hate me. I keep other peoples secrets, they aren't mine to share so it doesn't bother me to hold them in. My own secrets i hate holding in because i feel like I'm betraying people. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those filter-less crazy people who shout to the world all my skeletons, but with Hunny and my close friends, i just blurt shit out about myself and hope for the best. My weight and struggles with feeling horrible about myself when i look in the mirror, there it is. Wanting to get pregnant and trying and how its driving me bonkers and all the crap that comes along with it, my friends all know more details then they want about it. Let it all out i say, or it will fester like a bad bug bite.
I feel like secrets are like time bombs. And not like a fun glitter bombs that when it goes off you are a little mad and then you laugh and then chase the cat away so she doesn't turn into a walking piece of construction paper touched by a glue happy 5 year old. No. Secrets are like cockroach filled bombs that go off and wiggle and scurry everywhere and freak out everyone around them and traumatize them for life. A kept secret is never kept, right? It just stays hidden until the most inopportune moment. What do you do once its out? That's what defines the secret keeper and the find-er out-er and who they are as people. Secrets make or break everything. Can something broken be fixed? I'm not sure it can. Something scratched, banged up, and beat to hell, maybe, but well and truly broken, not really. But i question, what defines broken? we aren't talking about a real live thing, interpersonal relationships aren't bowls, they are untouchable invisible things. So what makes an untouchable invisible thing be declared broken? Maybe its like math:
Let S= Secret and R= Relationship. if S < R then R will not be broken but just damaged.
Or maybe its like a video game health bar. Your relationship is the health bar and the strength of your relationship is how much health fits in there. Every relationship in your life would have this bar, be it friends, acquaintances, family or partners. The longer you know this person, the more you have been through together, adds more health to the bar and decides where it maxes out. Secrets are a hit and bring the health down, each person's reaction to the secret either adds or takes away health, and as long as its not too bad and everyone reacts in a way that wont hurt either person, it can take it and health can come back. If its to much, dead and broken.
A secret that is greater then the relationship and a reaction by someone that hurts either party cannot be fixed by any amount of metaphorical superglue. I have seen people act like its fixed, that act like the relationship isn't dead and broken, they can spend days, months, or even years acting like nothing is broken, but it doesn't matter. Broken is broken.
As I look around me and watch the people i care about be overwhelmed by secrets of their own and the secrets against them, I wonder, is any secret worth the cost?? There is always a cost, always a hit on the health bar of a relationship. Sometimes the cost is worth it, like a nice gift or a surprise, that's a small cost and health is restored immediately to the health bar once the find-er out-er sees the gift or surprise .
When i found out the biggest secret i had ever been put on me years ago it changed me. It was a defining moment in my life that still effects me today. It hit the health bar of my relationship with the secret keeper and my future with them hard. I knew deep down that my reaction was going to define me, my personality, and make or change person i wanted to be. It changed my personality stats if you will. I am not sorry for the hit points it took or the changes in me for a million reasons. But I lost a trust in that relationship, and even future relationships that had nothing to do with it. I became a little more jaded when i learned that even people you think you know, you never really know.
Maybe some secrets are a bomb the secret keeper wants to go off. Is a secret kept actually a form of self sabotage? Maybe. It sure feels like a hurtful sabotage to the find-er out-er. And being the find-er out-er hurts every single time. Even good secrets, because it still means you were going along living life and *bam* every conversation, every minute you lived this secret was looming, growing and happening and changing things and you had no control over anything or how it will effect things.
Maybe there are secrets that I don't need to know and that's something i need to deal with. But maybe, depending on the relationship, if you feel like it must be kept from someone, then you should think real hard about why your keeping it a secret. Is it cause they wont like it? bullshit excuse. Is it because telling them would be hard? bullshit. Will it keep them safe from harm? that's not for you decide. Is it something that could make them see you differently? then you better god damn tell. I'm sure a more shady gifted mind can give me reasons that are valid for secrets to be kept, but i guess that's on them to realize the costs and be careful of the hit points to the relationship. A kept secret is never really kept is it?

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