Friday, May 19, 2017

There is more to mental illness then depression

There is more to mental illness then depression. More then the crippling sadness and inability to move some days. There is anger, a rage so hot it makes you sweat and distracts you for days. There is intermittent happiness so high you can touch the moon and you can feel it drip out of your grasp so quickly. There is fear and anxiety that will come up and slap you in the face and punch you in the stomach when you are mid sentence explaining to your boss the intricacies of networking. There is the palatable desire to make someone understand that you have something wrong with your head and no matter how many times you 'get better' your always going to be back right here in this moment and screaming internally. You don't really want anyone to know how screwed up you are...but you do want them to know....but you cant explain it to them......but you want them to can they possibly understand, you think.
Mental illness. Its confusing, it hurts, and its impossible for anyone to know really how someone else is feeling, no matter how many people say they they understand you and have felt the same way before. Sometimes it seems like a person is just doing it for attention. Guess what? They are. Because that is part of their illness, the deep down need to have people see them, and without it they fall and fall and fall and can't pull themselves back up. Them getting your attention doesn't make their illness less real or less sucky, it just makes it visible. Is a cancerous mole less cancerous then blood cancer or brain cancer just because you saw the mole change color or some shit? Of course not. A person who cuts and then shows a person, or someone who tries/not tries to commit suicide isn't less ill, they still need help.
I want to shake people and teenager's parents who say "I think she is just doing it for attention", or a person who manages to commit suicide and their friends and family say "i don't think he actually meant to kill himself, he just wanted attention". OMG if I could sit down every single one of those people and slap them across the face and then have a long talk with them, I could save 100 lives i think. Please, please, please. They are still dead, they are still bleeding on the bathroom floor after they cut their bodies, so what does the reason they did it matter at that point!? They needed your help and you brushed them off because you saw their reaching out at 'drama' or something.
Mental illness is more then being really really sad. There is a million wants to be mentally ill. There is a million thoughts that goes through someone head when they reach the end of their rope and not all of them are "i am just so depressed and nobody loves me".
If your at the end of your rope, I don't care if even your head says its just for attention! Call, chat, something, get help. Your life is worth living, your illness is worth getting help for. Fuck the haters.
Depression lies.
Mental illness lies.

Thursday, May 18, 2017

"OMG, how did you get so good at this!"

"Wow Katy, how did you get so good at this?" "Well, I fucked up a lot and learned from my mistakes." ::laugh track plays::
Other answers to "How did you get so good at this"
"Google and a dream"
"cause you are so bad at it I had to figure out something"
"cause I am not good at anything else so I focus really hard at this"
"I'm not, I just click really fast so it looks like I know what I'm doing"

Generally I get this question when I am fixing someones computer. I guess I have gotten this question other times, I cant think of anything at this moment, but i am sure i am pretty good at something else and managed to impress someone at some point in my life. But for real, Google and a dream and a lot of trial and error. You can learn to be good at anything if you get on the internet, search what you want to do until you get to a written or video tutorial, watch it all the way through and then try to accomplish your goal, fuck up, and then try and try again until you get it right (often several tutorials are required before the goal is reached).
Now the hardest part of all that is the fucking up. If you are prone to anxiety (like me), its a huge deal when you screw something up and need to continue moving forward despite that screw up. Like, mountain climbing in Alaska huge. My stomach starts twisting at the thought of facing my husband/friend/boss/coworker and being like "listen, i screwed up, and now there is going to be 80 billion times more work in order to accomplish a very small task." Yea. Scary. Even worse when you screw up the same thing twice. That happens too. But at the end of the day, once you admit your mistake, its done. I mean, the mistake is made, you cant undo it, and the consequence is going to happen, just hope for the best. Being a nice person before the mistake happens helps, and being on good terms with the person who has to deal with the fall out with you is also good. Also, being known as the person who fixes other peoples mistakes all the time helps too.
So wait, whats the lesson really here?
You are going to fuck up at some point, its inevitable, you just have to keep on keepin on?
Or is it that not being an asshole has a lot of benefits, like that the chances of being forgiven for inevitable mistakes is much higher?
Or is it that you can learn to do anything with Google, a dream, and the ability to recover from inevitable fuck ups?

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Mothers Day. My 3 moms.

I am 31 years old, and about the enter the part of my life where motherhood is a distinct possibility in my near future. Or not. Who knows what the future holds. But until then, i have my 3 mothers that I watch and learn from every day. Yes, 3.

My sweet, loving, awesome mother-in-law. I love my mother-in-law and happily live pretty close by her. We talk often, and I love it. She is a great girl-friend, and has welcomed me as a part of the family for as long as I have been around. I am by no means a 'refined' girl, but watching my mother-in-law has taught me how its supposed to look when someone is. No, she isn't the high heels, make-up required, always perfect kind of classy, she is the kind of women who doesn't need all of that. She has Taste (and a great eye for beautiful jewelry), and she treats people well and knows how to be polite and give the right gifts and say the right things and offer drinks at the right times and send thank you cards and all those things I am totally oblivious of, but she is teaching me. She is sweet and genuine and has a kindness that runs deep and true in her. When you look at her home, and see her dressed up, you can't help but admire her. She has a lot of qualities I admire actually, and I am happy to spend many years getting to know her and all of those qualities and absorbing what I can from her. She has raised 3 insanely smart, crazy, sons who are all successful and kind heart-ted men and I can only hope to attain that type of success in my own life.

My Step-mom. I hate calling her that, its not the right title for what she is to me and my sister. Lets just call her L. I am her daughter, and she is my mom as much as the mother I share blood is. I thank the stars for her daily. She is a feisty, red-headed pistol who can tear you down with a look and spit fire from her lips. She is strong and good and does not give 2 shits. If a million people were to bow at her feet she wouldn't care, and she wouldn't notice if those same people cursed her name to hell. She takes care of my dad and saves kittens from storm drains at 3 am (that happened literally last week). I can always count on her, no matter what. And I mean no matter what, like she is the most loyal, loving person ever. She has been in mine and my sisters lives a long time and she has influenced us both tremendously. I learn strength from her, I learn work ethic from her, I learn about bull-dosing through problems despite the world trying to hold you back. I learn about sharp-tongued laughter from her and dry sarcasm that makes people feel uncomfortable and its funny. I learn about kindness to animals and how to deal with a million little paws running around your feet while holding a snake in your pocket while you try to get ready for work. I hope my legacy will be like hers, a strong, loving, quick-witted and kind women who can be counted on no matter what.

My mom. Oh my mom. I love my mom. My mom and I have had valleys and peaks in our relationship, but I guess that pretty much any mother-daughter relationship. I am lucky that she understands mine and my sisters relationship with L, and has always encouraged it and never talked down about her. As I have gotten older is when my mother and I's relationship has gotten good. I had to grow to understand her and who she was and how she became the women she is before i could like her as much as i do now. But i also think she has changed as a person a lot too as I have gotten older. Where she once would question herself, she has grown to embrace herself, where she once seemed to shy away from something, she has learned to confront it. My mom has learned to embrace her own style and artistic soul and that's something i admire in her. I learn from her how to keep growing as a person and never stop trying to be more. I also learn from her that mistakes will be made, no matter how hard you try. She has taught me to move beyond those mistakes, even if moving on means laying flat on the floor and crying about it for a minute first. My mom is hard to describe in words, she is just her, and i am happy and proud to call her my mom.

I am a lucky, lucky women to have 3 moms. And 3 amazing, wonderful, good, smart, and kind, moms at that. And I think I am a pretty smart girl for appreciating them for it too. My moms aren't perfect, but neither is anyone else. I learn from them and have become a better person because of them. So Happy Mothers Day, to my sweet Mother-in-law, to my feisty beautiful L who is one of my favorite humans ever, and to my Mom, who is also my friend. I love all 3 of you very very much.

Thursday, May 4, 2017

A to Z challenge Over Bro

How about A to Y challenge survivor :) 
I am still saying I survived the A to Z challenge even though I only made it from A to Y. Z was beyond my mental capacity. Last month was a tough one for me, I'm not ready to talk about details on the internets here, but the A to Z challenge both made it easier to get through and harder. I need a vacation.
Here is some other things that are getting me through tremulous times:

  • My recent love of Make-up. I love the way I can make my face match who I want to be that day. I also love the weekends where I can let my hair be a crazy mess and my face be makeup free. Defining a line between public me and private me has been a really freeing experience.
  • Books, and most especially Neil Gaiman. I had not read any Neil Gaiman before, heaven only knows why. I love his writing and there is lots of it for me to get through.
  • Other Bloggers. The A to Z challenge gave me that gift. Reading other blogs and losing myself in their thoughts has been lovely. And the Challenge gave up some really awesomely thought provoking writing. And some funny shit to. 
  • New stuff to do at work. I had to wrestle it out of my bosses hands, but I have some new stuff i am dealing with at work. I love learning new things. 
  • Sexy weekend getaway with Hunny! We went to Pocono Palace Resort in PA. It wasn't till the very end of the month, but it turned out to be the most necessary perfect thing we could have done for ourselves. We had sexy time, then we would wonder out and our one night package included dinner and breakfast, so we would go eat. There was a great little bar and a fun game room. It was just a lot of stress free wondering and sexy time in a heart shaped hot tub. Loved it!
So here to fingers crossed for May being easier. For May to give me a place to start and a direction for my feet to start going. 

Saturday, April 29, 2017

Y for Compulsively making things worse

Y for Compulsively making things worse 
(A to Z challenge, Y has me stuck, so....compulsively ends in Y. Sorry that's all I got. )
Should get this tattooed to the back of my hand.
Ha! If only I could stop compulsively making things worse. I am the queen of making this worse, which often leads to someone saying to me in a rather frustrated or angry voice "WHAT THE HELL KATY!". Seriously, I am not good at much in the world, but this is something I am really really good at. This is why I fix computers for a living, not just because I require spell check for my writing, but because I am a expert at making them way more broken. Fortunately its one of the few things I can fix after I make it worse (and most people have no idea how bad I often screw them up before i fix them). I am also really good about not repeating my mistakes over and over again, but then again, it is amazing how many different mistakes one can make in life.

Friday, April 28, 2017

X is for Example

X is for Example
So X is for Example is cheating a little, i know, cause Example starts with E, but my blog has always been about the themes going on in my life and I write about what is going on in my head at the moment and Example is the word of the day.
You can't fix everything in the world around you, you can't fix your best friends depression, you can't make everyone act a certain way or do certain things. But when you are faced with similar challenges, you can be an example.
When my depression and bipolar threatens to take over my life, I try and catch myself and practice my coping skills the best I can in those moments. Sometimes exercise starts to lift the fog, or just going out in the woods and screaming or having a good cry in the shower will refresh my brain enough to show me the cracks in the veil that allow me to fight my way back to being OK.
Now; I am pretty terrible at helping others through their issues. I totally wish I was better about it, but honestly, I am the worst. When someone comes to me with their stuff, I freeze up. I empathize with them, sympathize super much, but the words that leave my mouth are never the right ones for some reason. Maybe its my innate social awkwardness, maybe I empathize too much, I don't know. So, I just try to tell people how I deal with things, which often just makes me seem like I'm talking about myself rather then the other person's issues. But its the only thing I know how to do. I tell them the example of me. When I am living through my own bad days, I remind myself that other people are watching, or they will be, and they need to see that someone somewhere got through this and is ok now. X is for Example, because its the only way i know how to help sometimes.

Thursday, April 27, 2017

W is for Who are you

W is for Who are you?
OK, just for the record, this post theme was thought up when I was stoned in my shed talking to Ms Meow. Now that i am writing it, i am not stoned at all and wondering what the hell i was thinking. Anyway.....
Who are you? Who am I? When I used to go to a therapist, that question, or some variation of it, was the first question they asked. I mean, lots of times when you meet someone this is the first question they ask. At least I do. I am super awkward when I meet people and if I start feeling weird and can't run away or find someone i know to cling to, I blurt shit out. One of my default word vomits is "So who are you?" The answer is usually different depending on the situation.
For a therapist: "Well I am Katy, i live around here. I am married to a really great guy and I have 2 cats." I do not intro with my past mental health issues. I have mentioned here before, I stopped going to therapists because once they hear about my past I turn into a fascinating object of study instead of a person who is there because she desperately needs someone to talk to that can suggest reasonable coping skills and can give unbiased opinions on just how crazy she is acting.
For a new persona at a party: "I'm Katy, i live around here, i am married and i have 2 cats. They are really cute, wanna see pictures!?"
For a new Co-worker: "Hi, I am Katy, i am the IT person, I fix all the stuff that has a plug. Don't be afraid to call me if you have any questions, I can answer a lot of things or i can help you find someone that can."
See? Several different types of answers to Who are you. But what is the answer when you ask yourself Who you are. Who is the person you are trying to be. Do you even know? Do you like that person? I try to live a life that when I look in the mirror and ask myself that, I am proud of the answer, I want to be proud of the person in the mirror and I should really like her. Sometimes i get lost, and i forget that i should be asking myself who i am, and not defining who i am by what others expect me to be. I did that once and what i saw in the mirror was not someone i liked. So i changed. It was hard and it hurt a lot because I lost a lot of people who i thought were my friends. I have done this change several times, its called growing up I believe. Now I like myself. I like my authentic personality, I like my response to who i am. I have written before the answer to Who am i in my post "Being a Women in IT" and I liked it a lot. I forgot to mention in it though, I have 2 cats, wanna see pictures?!!
I am just Katy. I am a special ed student who was hospitalized twice for mental issues as a teenager. As an adult I had worked my way up to be an IT Manager at a nation wide company despite being discriminated against for being a women. I started out in IT without a college degree and then only going to school online. I own my own house and pay my mortgage on time, I have bought and paid off a car on my own, I have lived by myself in the past and I paid the down payment on my house out of my own savings. I am in a healthy marriage to a Union Boilermaker and we are planning on starting a family soon. I have good friends, I have a family and in-laws that love me. I curse, I get crazy sometimes, and I often make mistakes. I have a lot to learn about life and everything, but I am a strong, proud women and I don't give a fuck what anyone else thinks about me.

A quote from Douglas Adams Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (one of my very favorite books of all time). A moment where a whale had to answer the question "Who am I" in a very short span of time. Here is a link to the Youtube video of the movie version of this moment. 

“Another thing that got forgotten was the fact that against all probability a sperm whale had suddenly been called into existence several miles above the surface of an alien planet.

And since this is not a naturally tenable position for a whale, this poor innocent creature had very little time to come to terms with its identity as a whale before it then had to come to terms with not being a whale any more.

This is a complete record of its thoughts from the moment it began its life till the moment it ended it.

Ah … ! What’s happening? it thought.

Er, excuse me, who am I?


Why am I here? What’s my purpose in life?

What do I mean by who am I?

Calm down, get a grip now … oh! this is an interesting sensation, what is it? It’s a sort of … yawning, tingling sensation in my … my … well I suppose I’d better start finding names for things if I want to make any headway in what for the sake of what I shall call an argument I shall call the world, so let’s call it my stomach.

Good. Ooooh, it’s getting quite strong. And hey, what’s about this whistling roaring sound going past what I’m suddenly going to call my head? Perhaps I can call that … wind! Is that a good name? It’ll do … perhaps I can find a better name for it later when I’ve found out what it’s for. It must be something very important because there certainly seems to be a hell of a lot of it. Hey! What’s this thing? This … let’s call it a tail – yeah, tail. Hey! I can can really thrash it about pretty good can’t I? Wow! Wow! That feels great! Doesn’t seem to achieve very much but I’ll probably find out what it’s for later on. Now – have I built up any coherent picture of things yet?


Never mind, hey, this is really exciting, so much to find out about, so much to look forward to, I’m quite dizzy with anticipation …

Or is it the wind?

There really is a lot of that now isn’t it?

And wow! Hey! What’s this thing suddenly coming towards me very fast? Very very fast. So big and flat and round, it needs a big wide sounding name like … ow … ound … round … ground! That’s it! That’s a good name – ground!

I wonder if it will be friends with me?

And the rest, after a sudden wet thud, was silence.

Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh no, not again. Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the universe than we do now.”

― Douglas AdamsThe Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

V is for unusual V shaped words

V is for unusual V shaped words
OK I have something to admit. Well 2 things actually. the first one is, I LOVE WORDS. I cant spell worth a shit (i try, really i do) and my written grammar is awful sometimes (speaking i am not to bad), but I love the american language and I totally wish I was one of those people who could pick up other languages really easy and learn words in other languages too. Words are just so cool, they have so many different meanings, the history of language is really neat and like, how words earned their meaning is super cool too! I wrote a little about this before in an old post "Words & Opinions" The second thing I have to admit it i love the a to z challenge but some letters leave me blank as to what to write about, so i default to scouring the internet in search of interesting words that start with the letter of the day. After getting lost for a substantial amount of time, rather then picking one word I am like "Oh, my readers need to learn about ALL THESE WORDS!!" and I end up with a list like I did for the letter G and the letter O, So, here is another list for the letter V courtesy of The Phrontistery

Awesome V shaped words. 

  • vaaljapie inferior wine
  • vacatur annulment
  • vaccary dairy or cow pasture
  • vaccimulgence cow milking
  • vacherin sweet mixture of meringue and whipped cream
  • vacillate fluctuate in opinion or resolution
  • vacive empty
  • vacuefy to produce a vacuum
  • vacuist one who holds that an absolute vacuum is possible in nature
  • vacuity emptiness
  • vacuole fluid-bearing cavity in organic tissue
  • vadimony bond or pledge given before a judge
  • vafrous cunning; sly
  • vagant roaming, wandering
  • vagarian whimsical person
  • vagation act of roaming or wandering
  • vagient crying like a baby
  • vagility ability to succeed in the struggle for existence
  • vagulate to wander; to waver
  • vainglory idle boastfulness
  • vallidom worth, value
  • valse dance in triple time; waltz
  • vambrace armour for the forearm
  • vaniloquence vain or foolish talk
  • vanitarianism pursuit of vain things
  • vansire carnivorous South African ferret
  • vaporiferous making steam or vapour
  • vapulate to flog; to be flogged
  • vardle bottom hinge of a gate
  • vardo gypsy caravan
  • varvel metal ring attached to hawk's jess that connects to a leash
  • vastation purification through destroying evil elements
  • vasy slimy
  • vau sixth letter of the Hebrew alphabet
  • vecordy madness, foll 

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

U is for unchanging

U is for Unchanging
I am going to tell you about my ride to work.
When I lived and worked in South Jersey I would drive though a small town. On my way to work I passed an old man who has some sort of mental illness. He had a very young maturity level, but was very loved by a lot of people. Every day around 7:30 am I would pass him on his way to the bus stop. He was always wearing a funny hat. Thanksgiving was a turkey hat, Christmas was a funny red and green hat, he had duck hats and jester hats, all kinds of fun hats. I looked forward to seeing him every day.
When I lived in another part of Jersey and worked at another job i would drive to work an hour through a lot of back roads. One day I saw a deer on the side of the road and a HUGE bald eagle eating it. Over the course of 4 days this eagle ate the deer carcass. By the time he was done and the bugs had gotten to it, in less then 2 weeks it was all bone. It was amazing to watch.
During that same drive I would pass cranberry farms. I got to watch the growth and picking of cranberry's. The fields get filled with water and the workers ride through it with these big ol' bicycle looking things and then the nets reel them all in and fill the trucks up. So cool to watch.
When I drive to work now I pass a lot of runners. They inspire me. One women I watch she runs miles and miles in her hasidic jewish clothes. Covered head, long sleeves, long leggings and with a skirt over it. She seems like such a tough cookie. I wish I could meet her and talk to her.
Another guy I pass who runs every day, I remember his first day he went running. I could tell because he was out of shape and sweating a lot and clearly out of breath. Every day he runs either on my way to work and I see him or in the afternoon on my way home. I watched him lose pound after pound and every week he was further along in his run then he used to be and much less out of breath. I wish I could tell him I was proud of him.
Every morning I see one guy who wears a red shirt and jeans. We usually wave. He's always wearing the same thing.
Some of these people I don't see any more because I have moved away or they aren't around any more. I don't know their name or anything about their lives. I make up stories in my head about them and how they got there and where they are going. Most of them don't notice me and I don't want them to. Its like this tiny innocent piece of life that I keep in my mind, all pure and perfect.
I wonder if anyone watches me? Weirdos.

Monday, April 24, 2017

T is for the Troll in my Purse

In case you didn't know, I have a troll that lives in my purse. He goes by #thetrollinmypurse on Instagram and he has his own page here on my blog: The Troll in my Purse, so keep following along since I am sure there will be many Troll adventures in the future. 

Here are some of his adventures so far:

Trolling around in the recesses of a jewelry jungle (check out! )

Troll watching the Daytona 500. We love #78! Go Truex!! 

Troll at the Dita von Teese show! He was a bit scandalized by all the boobies.
Troll picking up the hot young Trolls
Chillin at the Giants game. Literally. Naked Trolls get cold in the snow too!! 

At a yacht club breakfast on a rainy day in Jersey

 Workin. Small troll hands can get in those tiny places

 National Cat cuddles day with Ms Meow

 National cat day posing with Penny

 Driving a Bobcat Skidsteer
 IHOP Breakfast with the Hunny

Saturday, April 22, 2017

S is for Science

Today is Earth Day. Today is also the day of the March for Science. Science is not just a huge thing you can just say "I march for science" so, hold on, lets get a definition of science going here....

OK, since you can't just march and expect Science to be like "aww, thanks guys for supporting me", lets discuss the reasons for this march today. I read the March for Science website and Facebook and I also read a lovely article by The Atlantic, and that article I think has the best break down of explanations about Why there is a march going on.

  1. Celebrate “passion for science.” Science is what makes us understand why the world goes round and helps us to continue letting it do that. This is a damn fine reason for a march. 
  2. Celebrate what science does for people and “the many ways that science serves our communities and our world.” Electricity doesn't come from the magic outlets in the walls and through the magic lines on poles. Its science that gave us electricity and bajillions of other things. 
  3. Encourage the public “to value and invest in science” and “appreciate and engage with science.” Value?! Invaluable you mean! The government, rich people, and everyone else should throw money at science. Parents should be teaching their kids that science is cool and that we engage in it all day every day! 
  4. Encourage scientists to “reach out to their communities” and share their research and its impact. Scientist know all kinds of great stuff and are awesome to talk too! 
  5. Encourage scientists to “listen to communities” and consider their research from the perspective of the people they serve.  Sometimes the smartest people forget to listen.
  6. Affirm science as a “vital feature of a working democracy.” Has this been forgotten?  
  7. Show science to be “first and foremost a human process” that is “conducted, applied, and supported by a diverse body of people.” 
  8. Support research “that gives us insight into the world” and “upholds the common good.”
  9. Encourage people to “support and safeguard the scientific community.” 
  10. Call for robust federal funding “in support of research, scientific hiring, and agency application of science to management.” THIS is a good reason for a march. Science and understanding the world around us is IMPORTANT. If we don't understand how shit works, how can we fix the shit we keep breaking? 
  11. Advocate for “open, inclusive, and accessible science” that is “freely available.” Can you believe that this needs to be said? It does though. People are hiding their research so it doesn't get exploited, I get that, but if you don't share what you know, then how can someone else make a difference in the world with that knowledge? 
  12. Support science education that teaches people “to think critically, ask questions, and evaluate truth based on the weight of evidence.”  Take chances, get messy, make mistakes!!! - Ms. Frizzle. 
  13. Encourage political leaders and policy-makers to enact evidence-based policies, and “make use of peer-reviewed evidence and scientific consensus, not personal whims and decrees.” ::sigh:: Why does this need to be said? Why does this need to be something that is marched for?! But it does, really it does, cause right now they are in fact enacting things that are based on personal whims and personal gain. Did you know that Trump call Climate change "a hoax created by and for the Chinese.", seriously. 
  14. Oppose “policies that ignore scientific evidence” or “seek to eliminate it entirely.”  In several states its illegal  to talk about climate change Link
  15. Oppose policies that “threaten to further restrict scientists’ ability to research and communicate their findings.” 
  16. Oppose an “alarming trend toward discrediting scientific consensus.” Antiscience Click that link, its a thing. 
  17. Oppose the “mischaracterization of science as a partisan issue.” Science is fact. That's sort of the whole point of it (see above definition), so its not a partisan issue, again how is this even a question?
  18. Protect science from “manipulation by special interests.” !!!!!!!
  19. Hold leaders in science and in politics “accountable to the highest standards of honesty, fairness, and integrity.” I like how this 'reasoning' does say "in science and in politics". Glad there is someone admitting its not ALL big governments fault.
  20. Stand up for scientists: “Speak up for them when they are silenced” and “protect them when they are threatened”. You don't need money to support Science, you just need a voice, big or small. Don't just let people spout bullshit you know is not true. Stand up for Science and scientists,, Stand up for Facts, don't just let the next generation come in thinking "electrolytes, it's what plants crave"
  21. Encourage and support a new generation of scientists “that increasingly includes historically underrepresented groups.”

Friday, April 21, 2017

R is for Mr Rogers

R is for Mr Rogers
Mr Rogers in my opinion deserves much more then a measly Blog post by me. He was a great man who decided he hated TV and wanted to change it.
"I got into television because I saw people throwing pies at each other's faces, and that to me was such demeaning behavior. And if there's anything that bothers me, it's one person demeaning another," he confessed to Amy Hollingsworth, author of "The Simple Faith of Mister Rogers." "That really makes me mad!"
He was one of those Nice People (see my N post). He was the same off screen as he was on screen and genuinely cared about people and children. He once said:
"One of the greatest gifts you can give anybody is the gift of your honest self. I also believe that the kids can spot a phony a mile away."
He wore only sweaters hand knit by his mother,
He was married to the same women for 47 years
He was a vegetarian.
He once met a gorilla who loved to watch his show and took off his shoes. Koko the gorilla.
He spoke out loud every time he fed his fish because he knew of a blind girl who watched his show that was worried he didn't feed the fish.
He taught us about kindness and about admitting we were wrong from King Friday in the Neighborhood of Make-Believe.
He was proud of all of us, even though he didn't know us.
My Favorite thing ever.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Q is for Questions

Q is for Questions
One of my biggest pet peeves in the whole world is when you need an answer to something, you go ask a person who should know the answer, and they say "I don't know" and that's it. Nothing line, "but I could check" or "but I can point you to a person that does know" or anything like that, nothing. Drives me freaking bonkers. This peeve is mostly exclusive to work, since in real life this doesn't usually apply. But still, I spend a lot of time at work so this pet peeve tends to crop up almost daily. The reason most of the time that a person says "I don't know" is because they never ask questions. They are told information and rather then asking about any depth to that information, they take it at face value and that's all. Take chances, get messy, make mistakes!! and let me add Ask Questions! Ms Frizzle has become one of my hero's as an adult. I didn't properly appreciate her until I grew up, now her go-get-em attitude, her self confidence, and her absolute joy in her job is something I aspire to. She doesn't believe in "I don't know", when someone says that to her, she drags their sorry ass to her Magic freaking School Bus, turns into a grasshopper or some shit, and shows them the freaking answers!! I try to imagine sometimes how my job would go if if said "oh, I don't know" and left it at that when someone calls and tells me their computer or cell phone is broken, "Hey Katy, my computer just turned off suddenly and when I turned it back on there are skulls on the background and the icons are all skulls now and its blinking" (that happened to me once, for real), what if my answer had been, "Oh wow. I don't know" and then I went back to whatever tinkering I was doing? HA! I wouldn't have a job is the answer. And yet somehow, so many other people do that exact same thing and still have a job, and are even looked to as very important people! I wish for one day I could be Ms Frizzle. I would be dragging folks to my Magic freaking School Bus and showing them how shit works all the damn time. Be like, "Oh you don't know how that that happened? Lets go inside the motherboard, and we will see how you must have pressed a button, cause computers only do what you tell them too!!"

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

P - Personal Space

P for Personal Space
Personal space is a difficult concept to really understand unless you have been purposefully deprived of it for years like I was. When I was 14, I was admitted to the mental hospital for my first 2 week stint. The first and biggest rule of the teen mental hospital is "no entering any other person's personal space" and the words "personal space" were screamed at you every time you got anywhere near violating this rule (which of course you did, you were a teen mental health case, breaking all the rules was part of what got you there). FYI for those of you who aren't clear, personal space is any space within arms reach, if you can touch someone, its to close. The rule is a very good one in that environment, there are a lot of other people there who are specifically admitted for things like violence, inappropriate sexual contact, or just being a serious creeper.
I fell into the rule pretty easy, where there were other kids who it was against their nature to be deprived of touch like that. I couldn't tell you if it was my time in the hospital or the way I was raised, but, I am not a touchy person, neither is my parents. We were not the sort of family who all piled onto the couch close to each other and hold hands and snuggle. My general inclination is to stay out of everyone's personal space, even my close friends. Hunny is an exception to this, but when I get depressed or overly emotional I still tend to stay out of reach.
Have often do you think about personal space? I am sure when someone you don't know or don't like, or with someone that smells funny, you think about it a lot. But how often a day does someone come into your personal space? If you were deprived of it entirely for days or weeks, how would you feel? Its a cold feeling. I don't know how else to describe it. Cold in a part of your soul that you didn't know had feeling.
Touch is super important to people, there are lots of studies that prove that touch releases Oxycontin. There have been studies that prove that institutionalization does not work. One of the reasons being that touch helps in coping. Now imagine how much emotionally damaged teens might need that extra help in coping. That extra touch. Many of those teens were deprived of touch for far longer then the hospital stay, because of their own issues. So whats the best answer? You can't let a bunch of hormonal teens with serious mental issues touch each other. But what extra damage are they doing by not allowing it? I can tell you personally, being deprived of the connection of touch has given me long term issues with social situations and relationships. I have swung to both extremes of being super touchy and being totally distant in my life and I can tell you that I often lack a 'normal' warmth when I deal with people. I have huge fears of being a parent, what if I can't properly make a maternal connection with my kids because being in each others personal space a lot freaks me out? Personal Space. Think about it. What would you do without it?

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

O is for Opinionated

O is for Opinionated
Well see, at first, I was like, I am going to make this post about opinions, similar to my L post about Learning. But then, I was like, "Katy, you are an opinionated brat you know that?" Then I was all like, "pffhht, no I'm not.", to which my response was "Why you lie to yourself Katy?" The arguments in my head are really immature sometimes. Its true though, I am an opinionated brat. Its one of the reasons I have a blog. I have a huge need to get my thoughts and opinions out of my head and express them to the world and I just cross my figures and hope someone wants to read them. Some other synonyms for opinionated:

  • assertive (well thats a nice way to put it)
  • cocky (I'll show you cock....)
  • stubborn (apporiate)
  • adamant (I don't think that's a bad thing)
  • bossy (I haven't been bossy since I was 10)
  • bullheaded (that't the grown up, work approved version of Bossy)
  • cocksure (Excuse me, what you just call me!)
  • conceited (phfft! me?)
  • high-handed (I wouldn't mind being called high-handed. I think it sounds classy.)
  • inflexible (well ok. Maybe)
  • obstinate (I feel like obstinate is what my teachers said instead of bossy when I was 10)
  • one-sided (harsh bro)
  • overbearing (What Hunny calls me)
  • pigheaded (the non-beef eaters version of bullheaded)
  • positive (that's a positive way of saying it, haha, get it? pun)
  • pragmatic (What i call myself when Hunny says I'm over-bearing)
  • self-assertive (Also what I call myself)
  • single-minded (what my boss calls me)
  • uncompromising (what my family and friends call me)

Monday, April 17, 2017

N is for Nice

N is for Nice
"I hope your being nice to everyone! Being mean isn't going to help anything!" This is what I yell at Hunny while he plays Rainbow Six Siege with his headset on and with some of his friends on the other side and a group of people he doesn't know also on his team. I don't know, or particularly care, what is going on while he hollers about drones and someone watching is six or whatever, but I do know he says really mean stuff sometimes and its not very nice.
I often tell folks, I am not a nice girl, but Nice is a rather broad meaning word don't you think? I'm not nice, I have met really nice people, and I am definitely not one of them. Nice people know how to console a sad person with the right word or touch, or knows what to say at group gatherings after your cousin says something that makes everyone feel awkward. I am more likely to be the awkward cousin who says the wrong thing at the right time. Nice people know how to take a compliment with grace and always give one back appropriately, they have an inner beauty that shines through their smile. Not me. Not most people to be honest with you. Really nice people are a gift that should be cherished and we should look to them when the rest of us are stumbling over our words and unintentionally bringing the happy vibe of the room down. Me? I am not a nice girl, but I do think I am a generally good person who tries not to be too mean. I laughed when guys would cry after I broke up with them, I tell people when their hair looks like shit or if they have something in their teeth, and it takes me 10 minutes after receiving a compliment to realize I should totally have said something more then "Thanks! I think I am adorable too!". But I do love animals and will go to great lengths to make sure they are happy in my care. I love my family and friends and try my best to show them that. Most of all I try to assume all people are generally good on the inside and have good intentions, no matter how much it may seem to just be bastards.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

M is for Makeup

M is for Makeup
For a large portion of my life I did not wear any makeup on a daily basis. I had a few things I would wear on special occasions, but I had no desire to try and get myself up earlier then 15 minutes before work and try to put a face on.
Well this past Christmas I had 2 different people get me some makeup for a gift. Good stuff too! These 2 people did not know each other so it wasn't a joint collaboration/intervention to get my 31 year old self to to cover up some of those Adult acne scars and giant pimples. I think they just assumed all girls like makeup. Well, guess what? I did. And it started a whole new thing for me, and now I DO get up earlier for work, and I DO spend stupid amounts of money on eyeliner. Not because I don't like how I look without makeup, I love me, with or without make-up! But now I just have a ton of fun wearing the makeup and trying new things, and I now like how I look with makeup too! I discovered Maybelline Concealer, which was a game changer. I even tried contouring, which was a little much for me on the daily, but fun because it make me feel like I was an artist painting my face.
Makeup is definitely a form of art in case you didn't know. And if you put makeup on every day, or even just sometimes, as far as I am concerned, you have a a little artist in you. Make-up makes you learn colors and how to use a brush and what a highlight is and how to create shapes and angles, its pretty amazing really what you learn once you start getting into the makeup scene. When I didn't wear makeup, I could go days without looking at myself in a mirror, which I sort of miss that (trying going a whole 8 hours without checking you makeup in the mirror will lead to quite a surprise when you finally do. Hello clumpy foundation and raccoon eyes). So M is for Makeup, but Makeup is basically Art.

Some makeup I wear
Maybelline Concealer
Neutrogena Mineral Foundation
Anastasia Brow Wiz
2 Different Nix white Eye liners:
Nix Faux White for actually eye lining
Nix Jumbo Eye Liner in White, I use it as a highlighter under my brows and wherever else I feel like highlighting today.
Covergirl Lash Blast Mascara in Brown
Burts Bees Tinted Chapstick <~~~~~Rose, Hibiscus and Red Deliha....LOVE this stuff!!
Skindinavia The Makeup Finishing Spray
Christiana Moss Facial Moisteruizer as my daily primer
Sometimes I use a Pink shadow I got from Sephora when I feel fancy
Aesthetica Contour Kit <~~Almost Stupid Proof. Comes with instructions!!

Friday, April 14, 2017

L is for Learning

L is for Learning
Have you ever met someone and tried talking to them and realize they stopped learning anything the minute they graduated school? These sort of people are actually few and far between, thank goodness, but they exist and they are by and far the worst sort of people in my opinion. Learning and knowledge are what make us better people. Now, I don't just mean Math and Biology here, learning is about seeking any knowledge that you didn't know before. I learn something new pretty much every day. The other day I learned about how to wire a CAT5 wall jack. It was not nearly as difficult as I thought it would be. Tuesday I learned the ancient Greek definition of the work Idiot from another blogger (isn't A to Z Blog challenge fun!).
Many other types of people cut themselves off from knowledge and learn only what supports their opinion. They put themselves in a little box with blinders so they can't see all of the amazing information the world has to offer. These people may learn something, but they wont learn all sides of it, and thus end up with only partial knowledge, which is terrible.
I read an awesome article while doing a bit of research for this post. A 2011 post by a gentlemen name Chris Mooney called "The Science of Why We Don't Believe Science". I could dissect and go on and on about this article, but its a great (though long) article about confirmation bias and why people will disagree with something even when all the facts are laid out in front of them.
A short quote from that article that i think is pertinent for me here:
"All we can currently bank on is the fact that we all have blinders in some situations. The question then becomes: What can be done to counteract human nature itself?"

Thursday, April 13, 2017

K is for Kindle

K is for Kindle
I love my freaking Kindle. I love to read and I average about 70-100 books a year. If I had physical books for all of that reading, it would take up way to much space in my little house. I will admit when I read physical books, I would re-read things much more often then I do now. But on the other hand, with the Kindle, I branch out from my normal genre a lot more often. I think its because I am less afraid of not liking it and having a book sitting around that every time I see it I am like, "ew, I hate you." (I have very strong feelings when it comes to books). I understand the bazillion people who are against the Kindle and everything it stands for. They say they hate the loss of 'turning a page' and enjoy the feeling of holding a book. I understand that there is nothing like the smell of a new book, or walking into a book store or library and spending hours searching and reading and the comradery of being in the same space of others who love books. But I feel like there is Kindle replacements for this. gives you a place to enjoy books with others. The feeling of your ol' trusty Kindle that's been through how many doctors office waiting rooms with you, entertained you on beach days, and sat up late with you while you read; that replaces the feel of a physical book and makes you not even notice the supposed loss of page turning. Nothing though makes up for when your Kindle dies while your in the middle of a good book and you have to sit and wait while it charges. That's just horrible.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

J is for Jack of all trades, master of none

J is for Jack of all trades, master of none
The phrase "Jack of all trades, master of none", is generally viewed to have a negative connotation. When I first decided to make this post about this phrase I did some internet searching and found a few interesting facts.

  1. Some people say this phrase is misquoted. None of those people I found were able to reference what the "real" quote was. 
  2. The first part of this phrase, "Jack of all trades" is a term used as far back as 1592 by Robert Greene in his 1592 booklet Greene's Groats-Worth of Wit,[2]
  3. Later when the second part of the phrase was added, master of none, is when it started to get its negative connotation. 
  4. The term 'Johnny-do-it-all' was used in the 16th century to mean the same derogatory way we use the jack of all trades phrase now. (The Phrase Finder)
What did the phrase mean when it wasn't the derogatory meaning that it is now? Well first lets define what the phrase means now, just so we are clear. 

OK. So, what did it mean, before that? Well before the master of none was added it was just Jack of all trades, so:

Jack of all trades may be a master of integration, as such an individual knows enough from many learned trades and skills to be able to bring the individual's disciplines together in a practical manner. This person is a generalist rather than a specialist.

I like the old meaning. I think that seeing someone who is good at many things and is able to wrangle it all together to in a practical way is amazing. People like that are the folks who are shaping our future and planning and executing projects. Their minds are broader and think outside the tiny box we live in. Maybe we need more Jack's in the world. 

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

I is for I

I is for I
Quote from the Movie The Princess Diaries: 
"And then I realized how many stupid times a day I use the word 'I.' And probably all I ever do is think about myself. And how lame is that when there's like seven billion other people out there on the planet, and... sorry, I'm going too fast. But then I thought, if I cared about the other seven billion out there, instead of just me, that's probably a much better use of my time."
Sure its just a silly movie, but I love this little excerpt from there and I often have to remind myself to stop using the word 'I' and start thinking about the other seven billion people. Don't may of us use the word 'I' a lot in a day? Sometime its important that you think of yourself and not give to much of your soul to the world, because the world doesn't care about little ol' you, its to big to care about individuals. There are lots of people out there who are good and kind and selfless. I have several friends like that and I find myself telling them to stop thinking of others and start using the word 'I' more often. But on the other hand, if your like me and many others and you often find you have very little issue worrying about yourself enough in a day, you need a reminder that there are better uses of your time.
I read a lovely post the other day (another atozchallenge poster names Miss Pelican) about chocolate and all the not so great ways it can be harvested, and it was super thought provoking (hence this post). She mentions how its all really hard to swallow. How can one know all of this stuff, but have no idea how to make a difference? I don't have time to do a mission to another country, I don't have the money to donate without making myself broke in the process. Well, the best I got is that acknowledging that there are others that need help is a step toward helping. Being knowledgeable and seeking knowledge, voting in elections, donating blood and other items, and buying products that are made with humans and animals being treated right is the best I know how to do for now....until I figure out how I too can become queen of Genovia.

Monday, April 10, 2017

H is for Hair

H is for Hair
H is for Hair because I love to dye my hair fun crazy colors. Hunny kinda hates it, but he loves me the way I am, so that's fine. I spend a lot of time on my hair. I read and do everything I can to keep my hair healthy, I play with color so I do not need to Bleach to often, I deep condition at least once a week, I only shampoo my hair 2 times a week and when I do wash, I wash with cold water. Its a lot of work, but anyone that does this sort of thing will tell you, its worth it. The best part is, once I don't feel like doing it anymore, I can just undo it. Its just hair. 
Here is 5 reasons why you should dye your hair fun colors:
  1. Every time I look in the mirror I smile cause my colorful hair makes me happy.
  2. It gives you a reason to take care of your hair and yourself a little better.
  3. Showers are hilarious. Pink was the best. It looked like a pink-splosion in my shower when I washed it! So fun.
  4. It gives you an inner confidence you didn't know you had. Blue hair? Gotta own that shit. 
  5. When you do something you have always wanted to do, it makes you happy. Its a selfish happy that no one can take away from you. Your not hurting anyone, your not disappointing anyone, your just being you and you are wonderful. 
Currently. Pink with Violet and Blue
Punky Color: Flamigo Pink on new Bleached roots and highlighted the Pink over Turquoise, which made violet.
Punky Color Turquoise. 
Dyed right over Peach-ish Rose Gold

Punky Color Flamigo Pink with Pravana Violet
(This was done on fully bleached hair) 
Sparks Rose Gold
Turned out Peach-ish / Rose Gold ish
This was done on fully bleached hair
Galaxy Hair.
Punky Color Atlantic Blue
Pravana Violet
Directly over Manic Panic Voodoo Blue.
Manic Panic Voodoo Blue
Blonde and Manic Panic Voodoo Blue
(Right after my wedding. Done by a Pro)
Bleach Blonde Bride
Done by a Pro. 

What I use:
L'Oreal Quick Blue Powder Bleach (Other then roots, I only bleach once every 3 or 4 months, maybe less.)
Shea Moister Intensive Care Hair Masque (I use this as my daily conditioner and deep conditioner)
TRESemme Hair Spray (basically my heat protector as well has hair spray) 

Still trying to find a good frizz reducer and shiny stuff. I have the Kevin Murphy Young Again and Not Your Mothers Frizz Reducer right now, cause I got a great price on them, but eh. 

Saturday, April 8, 2017

G is for Galeophobia and other G shaped Phobias

G is for Phobias
Well at least phobias that start with G. Brain's are crazy things. Sometimes your brain becomes irrationally fearful of something. Phobia's are no joke, they are sometimes debilitating and will make normally rational people turn into human shaped piles of fear. But sometimes looking at the different phobias is interesting, because some stuff you don't even realize people can have a phobia of that. So for my G post on my A to Z challenge, I give you:

Phobia's that start with the letter G
  • Galeophobia or Gatophobia: Fear of cats. (oh no not cats! Instagram must be a minefield for someone with galeophobia)
  • Gallophobia or Galiophobia: Fear France, French culture. (Francophobia) (French Bread?)
  • Gamophobia: Fear of marriage. 
  • Geliophobia: Fear of laughter. (This has to be the worst.)
  • Geniophobia: Fear of chins. (for real? I would be a great person for someone with this phobia to hang with.)
  • Genophobia: Fear of sex. ( o ) ( o ) 8====D~~~   <---penis
  • Genuphobia: Fear of knees. (but what about bee's knees? if I send a card that says "your the bee's knees" would that be rude?)
  • Gephyrophobia, Gephydrophobia, or Gephysrophobia: Fear of crossing bridges. 
  • Gerascophobia: Fear of growing old. 
  • Germanophobia: Fear of Germany, German culture, etc. (not death metal fans clearly)
  • Gerontophobia: Fear of old people or of growing old. (please look at this old lady. It will help.) 
  • Geumaphobia or Geumophobia: Fear of taste. (but how do you eat? Even tacos!?)
  • Glossophobia: Fear of speaking in public or of trying to speak. (bro, I am right there with you)
  • Gnosiophobia: Fear of knowledge. (I need this explained in more detail.)
  • Graphophobia: Fear of writing or handwriting. (probably not reading my blog then)
  • Gymnophobia: Fear of nudity. (I hope the treatment for this is looking at pictures of  the Hemsworth brothers naked.)
  • Gynephobia or Gynophobia: Fear of women. (It's ok, I understand, its cause bitches be trippen.)
  • Bonus Fear - Orthopterophobia and is a fear of any member of the Orthoptera family (grasshoppers, locusts, katydids, and of course, those dreaded crickets). I am totally phobic of crickets. Like stop dead and scream with terror afraid. I know its irrational, but my brain is just wired this way. 

Friday, April 7, 2017

F - Fertility

F is for Fertility 
I picked today's post theme to be Fertility (check out my B is for Birth Control Post). I have been trying to get pregnant for a while now. Went off my Birth control in March 2015. "Give it a year" my doctor said. Well its been 2 years. The hardest part is when people ask "when are you guys gonna have kids" or some variation. I feel like I let everyone down every month I get my period. I try to ignore it, I try to not be sad, I keep telling myself and everyone else "it will happen when it happens", but the creeping thoughts of "maybe I am just broken" is an insistent nag in the back of my head. I used to google every tiny symptom, "Maybe I'm pregnant", and I would take a pregnancy test, I stopped that after I was emotionally crushed to many times. The hardest part is I don't know anyone who has been through this, everyone I know that has kids "it just happened". They all try to be there for me and I love and appreciate them, but they sometimes say something that supposed to comfort me and its like a stab to my heart. Then they stop saying anything because they know they hurt me, which that's almost worse. I'm so nervous, I just started "Infertility Testing" which is invasive and embarrassing to say the least. I haven't done much yet, its all just making appointments and waiting till my body is at a certain point in my cycle for certain tests, but its just like this big thing that is starting and I don't know whats about to happen, and if it will be a "long hard journey", or maybe it will be a very short one, who knows? Or maybe it will just be a cut and dry thing where I find out I really am broken. The control freak in me in having mini panic attacks pretty much all the time. 

Thursday, April 6, 2017

E is for Eyes

E is for Eyes
Eyes are supposed to be the "windows of the soul". I have something to admit though, I don't see it (pun totally intended there). Really though, I don't look into a person's eyes and feel some major epiphany of understanding about that person. I just see brown or blue or whatever color eyes and then I feel uncomfortable for staring into some random person's eyes. I don't look back on pictures of people and think "oh look how troubled their eyes were" or "oh look at that old soul in that person's eyes". Maybe my eye-rader is broken, my eye-dar if you will. I feel super weird admitting this, cause eye-dar is supposed to be one of those topics of conversation that folks have in common, like "oh yes, so-and-so had those dark eyes, you could tell they were a serial killer" and then everyone talks about how they saw it too. I just nod and keep my mouth shut at those times. Maybe more people are lieing about it like me and don't want to admit their eye-dar is broken too.