Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Tuesday post, which is very weird for me I know, but everyone needs to read this book. Its inspiring, amazing....just read my review.

The Art of Asking; or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Let People HelpThe Art of Asking; or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Let People Help by Amanda Palmer
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Inspiring, wonderful, eye opening, life affirming/life changing. Recommending to everyone!!

View all my reviews

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Words & Opinions

Words are freaking amazing. Really, they are. Punctuation, grammar, all the stuff that goes along in order to make the words mean one thing instead of something else. Absolutely awesome.Spelling is important to, although I personally am pretty terrible at proper spelling, thank god for spell check.
What has brought on my current amazement with words is a few things.
1. I am trying to write a book. Actually I am trying to write 2 books (you know me, if im gonna do something I jump in with both feet!). One of them is a biography of my life. That one is going to take me a long time to write though. I started writing it and realized how emotionally taxing it was, so now I am pacing myself...well actually I am kind of avoiding it. Like, I have one hand out touching it and my eyes turned away and covered, but I really want to write it so I keep peeking; that kind of avoiding. The other book is a sci-fi fantasy type book with dragons and magical beasts and tough-as-nails female heroes. That one I am having a grand time with and hopefully will be done in a few months. Its so much more fun to write then I ever expected and I am often amazed at the times I am writing and i use the same words or phases over and over, but every time they mean something totally different and give a totally different visual. Its just so neat how one word, like "him" can be used so many times in so many different contexts and yet be the exact right word every time. Words are great.
2.Opinions. There is the times when words don't seem so great. When they are wielded by someone who has hateful or unkind opinions and feels the need to spout those opinions as fact, despite any proof or stance against their belief. These people that refuse to see beyond their own viewpoint (see how I used all those synonyms there of the word opinion, words, so cool) Now lets do my favorite thing here and define the word opinion:
Aren't definitions fun! This guy, Samuel Johnson, decided that the average person back in the 18th century really needed a way to look up definitions of words used in daily language. Books were becoming a regular thing and not everyone knew what every word meant. So he spent 9 years making an English dictionary (France took 40 years and 40 guys to make theirs, so there 18th century France.) 
Super Cute me in my Fox sweater!
Not 120pd 21 year old. 
But anyway, back to opinions. Lately we are bombard with opinions from every angle, at work, at home, with your friends, with people you love, with people you don't love, from trolls, from fake news, from real news, from news you watch but sort of hate, from internet phone and TV, everywhere! It makes you really want to dig your heels in and stick to your own opinion on things, but that's a really bad road to go down. Knowledge cannot grow when we refuse to hear out what another person has to say. If you remember in my past post about  Living life to make you happy, my mom said "Live your life to make you happy, believe what you want to believe." In that post I focused on Living life to make you happy, which is great, but now I want to mention why I disagree with the second part of that statement, "believe what you want to believe". NO. You cant just believe shit just cause it fits into your opinion. Just because a statement is made that resonates with you doesn't make it true. Seriously. No matter how much I want to believe I am a 120 pound 21 year old women, I ain't. No matter how much people tell themselves there is no such thing as climate change, sea levels are rising and the weather is getting warmer and more extreme every year. Those are facts I can prove with a quick link to an article, and with a picture of myself that anyone can look at and see i clearly am not 120 pounds and my ID is probably not being checked at bars anymore. But there are the people who really matter in the world that are using their words and opinions to change everything. Some of them are great people, like Stephen Hawking, who challenged everyone with his theory on black holes. He gave his opinion, challenged anyone who dared to prove him wrong, and when they did he was like, "oh awesome, alright well how about this", that man is using his words and opinions and changing everything! Its amazing and its making us more knowledgeable, which is what we should be striving for. There are other people, like Tomi Lahren, who spouts her hateful opinions to anyone willing to listen. She wont listen to challenges of her opinion and instead talks loudly over those who would ask for her fact checks or ask her what we should do instead and she has no answer, she talks her talk but can't come up with a solution. Her words and opinions are important, people listen to her and she isn't helping people learn and gain more knowledge, she is encouraging them to keep yelling their opinion right along with her and to believe what they want to believe instead of listening and learning. 
Words are amazing. Language, conversations, debates, lectures,  books, blogs, we have so many ways of expressing ourselves and all of them revolve around words. You don't have to spell that well or understand the structure of sentences to use them, you don't have to be anything besides loud anymore to have people hear your words. But we all have a responsibility to listen and not use your words as a weapon. Anyone can have an opinion, can string together a thought or idea that resonates with you and probably someone else too, but it takes a special person to share your words and then listen to someone else and maybe think "oh wow, they have a point, maybe they are right". 
It is everyone's responsibility to encourage others to gain knowledge, not just whip up a crowd and yell bullshit together. 

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Mercurial is the word of the day.

Sometimes I absolutely hate me. I look at myself, my life, the things I do every single figgen day and I am disgusted. I look at all the things I am disgusted about with myself; I want to be more fun, more spontaneous, more sassy, more clever, you know, all those things that make a person interesting and enjoyable to be around. I want to be more organic and more artistic, I want to be a writer who goes on tours and ends up at house parties and meets and talks to other interesting people who have experienced interesting stuff. I want to be more real, you know? So, why can't I do it?
Honestly, I know it is because my favorite thing to really do is go to bed early wrapped in my warm blanket and read, or hang out and cuddle with my Hunny after eating a yummy dinner. Some of it is because I used to actually be more of all those things and I used to talk to all those supposedly interesting people and all I have gained from that lifestyle was a lot of stories, some fun and some much less fun and some slightly embarrassing. I have gained a healthy dose of disenchantment from all the standing-on-a-soapbox lectures I have heard from people who I had thought were interesting but they turned out to just be authority bucking dickheads with a bad attitude toward anything they thought was too conventional or made then feel like "sheeple", like a 9-5 job or having new appliances.
But this doesn't stop me from the looking out and mentally crying out as the artistic spirit inside me dies a little every time that I go to work at my own 9-5 job and sit at my own desk or those days when I sit and watch TV for 4 hours instead of going out and living and being real out in the world.
Why isn't the 9-5 lifestyle real enough though? Why does it take that I-am-spontaneous-I-am-an-artist-I-ain't-a-sheep lifestyle to make me feel real? I know I am not the only one who has that spirit inside that reaches out for the idea of a close knit extended family of friends and other artists like me who all sit around and talk about their art and think great amazing thoughts.
But, you know what, 9-5 jobs are real too! Being a women in the 'burbs who gets out her artistic desires in holiday decorations and DIY projects is a perfectly real life! So why doesn't that feed the spirit, why doesn't that shut up that voice that screams at me to do more, to be free?
I guess everyone wishes for a different life then they have, to live without rules and having to answer to anyone. I guess most people wake up most days before work and think "this working shit just isn't for me". There is a part of me that wished that I had grown up to be a certain way, who wanted to live in the city and take buses to central park and sit on a blanket in the sun and write stories and go to shows at night and end up on random adventures till I watch the sun rise. One of my tattoos is a little naked Tinkerbell fairy with her arms crossed and looks all pissed off. She is the spirit inside me who is angsty and pissed off at everything, and isn't happy with the the way things are, even if they are good. She is the spirit that wants to be alone in the woods writing, or off on a random adventure after a night of listen to music and talking to great interesting people. I see her for what she is though, and I know if she was talking to those people she would see right through their act of great thoughts and soap-box-standing lectures for what they are, just immature jerks who want to be "different" just for the sake of going against "the-man". If she was on an adventure some late night she would be tired and want to go home to her comfy bed and cuddle with the man she loves.
I wish I could live every minute enjoying and reveling in the life I am living right now and not have to fight my angry Tinkerbell who screams at me that I am not living a real life. Sometimes I get swallowed by the feeling, and those are the worst days. 
I really do love the artists, the thinkers of great thoughts and the unconventional anti-authority spontaneous people who go off and live great adventures, I really do. They inspire me, it makes me happy to watch them and talk to them and share the moments with them. I love the spray paint artists on New York sidewalks, and the musicians who carry gear hundreds of miles in a beater car just to play a show for free in a hot church basement, and the entrepreneur's who have amazing ideas and want to pitch them all to you just because your willing to listen. But I also love the feeling of safety in a paycheck every other week and the warmth of my house filled with mod-pog covered light switches and new appliances. I do love the life I have, but there are days when none of it feels real. I guess everyone has mercurial tendencies, we all want to be more, but really, we enjoy just being us. 

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Buying a bed is SUPER stressful

So recently Hunny and I decided to by a new mattress. My current mattress is about 8 years old, when I purchased it, it was a really nice Kingsdown Regal mattress, that's right, bold and underlined, Kingsdown Regal. I really loved that bed. But now, it is an 8 year old, stained, lumpy/saggy mattress (I am not sure how anything can be both lumpy and saggy at the same time, but that's what it is). To be fair, it has been through a lot of life. The last 8 years of my life have been very.....exciting? is that the right word?.....chaotic maybe?....a roller coaster?....how about we just stick to the positive words and call it interesting. So the poor mattress has been through a lot of interesting-ness and I am very proud of it and emotionally attached. When we first realized it was time to get a new mattress it was probably close to a year ago. Hunny had been waking up with bad back pain and I had been having bad neck pain, which are all sure signs of a mattress being close to retirement. We had our wedding coming up though so I just looked up some Pintrest things to help a a saggy mattress, we twirled the mattress around to change the saggy sections to lumpy sections, went and got some massages, and decided to just deal with it.
Then the wedding was over, we had some money people had gifted us and we decided to start searching. Let me tell you something. Bed shopping is freaking stressful. It was nothing like when I had bought the Kingsdown Regal. Now you had options and reviews and other shit that just makes the whole process WAY more complicated. So we struck out one day and started searching. This lasted one day before we looked at each other and in a totally non-verbal way decided we were so not doing this right now.
That is one sexy fridge,
So we went about our lives and decided to buy a fridge with the wedding money instead. That was much more fun and much less stressful. Buying a fridge is much more straight forward. You look at your current fridge, decide what you like and hate about it and what you wish you had and then you go online and go to homedepot.com, filter that shit down, then research the best brand, find your price point, walk into the store of your choosing with the print of the one you like, try and get it cheaper and, bam, done, that's it. Couple days/weeks later you get a fridge. Our new fridge is very sexy by the way. You know you have reached official grown up status when people come over and you say "yo, you wanna see my sexy new fridge?"
So, this past Christmas we went to my sisters house and, after giving my 7 year old nephew a semi-automatic Nerf gun and 200 darts and making him the happiest kid ever, my sister mentioned she got a new Casper mattress and loved it. Hunny and I both tried it out, which is super awkward by the way. Like, "hey lemme sit on your bed that you sleep and do all kinds of dirty things on, I want to see if me and Hunny would also like it for us to sleep and do dirty things on". It helped it be more awkward when she told me "go ahead and flop down on it, you can tell its really great for sex" ::sigh:: thank you sister. For the record, the bed was perfectly soft and floppy, which was nice.
So after that we started thinking about beds again. This time I was a little more emotionally prepared, I knew it was gonna be stressful and overwhelming, but I was ready and I was gonna try approaching it the way I approached the fridge, with a more clinical eye and lots of research and evaluating what I like and don't like about my current bed and so fourth. Now if you want all the info you could find about beds, http://www.sleeplikethedead.com/ is the site to go to. So much info. We decided to strike out and test out memory foams, hybrids, and spring beds as our first step. After the first time we had shopped so many moons ago, we thought we liked the hybrid beds. But Hunny had been talking to people and wanted to try memory foam. Which, after laying on the first bajillion beds, we realized we liked a lot. Then that made us question everything because we were sure we like the hybrids last time. This lead to a week long delay of bed searching and lots of internal speculation about our own wants and desires in life. Like I said, bed searching is very stressful.
Let me tell you something, beds have too many god damn features now. Foams and springs, and double springs, and gels, and beads, and softness and firmness and weight and height and pillow tops, its like a god damn intergalactic orgy of bed options out there! Casper has a great idea, they sell one bed and bitch if you don't like it fuck you. I was all for the Casper bed. Hunny though was having a moment and couldn't commit himself to that sort of cut and dry shit, he needed to try them all!
So the research started, we liked this bed we tried at Boscov's, we researched it; bad reviews, lots of Ds on http://www.sleeplikethedead.com/, no good, that bed is out. So we go and try more beds, we like this one at Macy's, go home, research it, WTF, why wont they tell me what that bed is made out of? No good, that bed is out. So then we decide we are gonna buy one online, but we can't settle on the Casper, no way. Hunny, has another moment; he cant buy a bed he hasn't tried out, its just wrong. I agreed though, reading about bed features isn't like reading about fridge features, how do you know if that cooling gel in that mattress is cool enough or if that foam is too soft or too firm for you, the whole process is a little too detached and feels like a roulette game. So, we strike out again, this time we are committed to getting this shit done. So, Saturday, we go online and pick a bed we like online. Sunday, we go to several stores but find nothing we want to bring home, Monday, we find a store and a salesmen we like, we find a brand we like, we find all the features we are sure we want, and FINALLY we find the bed that once we sat on it, we realized that we had found it, the perfect bed. It had all the right things, good reviews, not to hard or to soft, its got all the right cooling gel, and foam in all the right places, and we can buy an adjustable base for it, its in our price range, YES! But then, the salesmen at Boscov's cant go down on price. Well ladies and gentlemen, that is not ok in my book. I went to the brand website and found the same bed to purchase online for $300 less, while i was in the store! Not gonna happen. So then we go back  to this other store with this other salesguy who we beat up on price and finally, after so many months, we purchase our new Serta iComfort Prodigy III foam bed with adjustable base! We were flush with excitement, smiling, and feeling like a weight has been lifted from our shoulders and our backs were singing in anticipatory joy
The bad news? Wont be here till the 21st of January :(
Isn't that the worst feeling?

Thursday, January 5, 2017

Live life to make you happy

The other night I was talking to my mother and she said something that really resonated with me, "Live your life to make you happy, believe what you want to believe." I am not sure I agree with that entire statement, but I do believe in living your life to make you happy.
Believing in your opinions and living the life that makes you happy is hard! Sometimes your brain argues with you and tells you to give in, to be something your not, or to live how someone else tells you to live. If your only happiness is in pleasing someone else, who is the person in the mirror when you are alone?
Isn't that person, the one in the mirror, the one you should be living for? The one that you should be trying to make happy? At the end of the day, you have to be happy and proud of yourself, before you can please anyone else. There are lots of times in my life I have had to look way deep inside myself and pull out what I want and decide what I like and purposefully move forward knowing that the choice I made will effect me and the people around me, and I have to own that. Anyone else ever plan a wedding? As a bride that is there is a HUGE amount of self reflection that happens as you plan a wedding. You have to know who you are, and stand up for yourself, or you have to decide if you are going to just let everyone else create the day that's supposed to be the biggest day of your life. What about gifts for holidays? When someone asks me what I want, sometimes I start to hate myself because I can't answer them. Why don't I know what I want? Don't I like something? Anything!? What makes me happy?! Those are the times I look in the mirror and try to remember who I am. Today, I see a person who currently has crazy fun color hair; and I smile. I see a women who has crawled and fought her way to living an adulthood that I am proud of; and that makes me stand straighter. I see a person who sometimes has anxiety and gets overwhelmed and she feels lost, but I got out of bed today and that is an accomplishment. I refuse push away all the people who love me, I know I am valuable, I am powerful, and I deserve every chance in the world. I will discover and peruse my dreams and I will keep trying and I will live my life to make me happy, no matter how many times I may fail.