Friday, April 7, 2017

F - Fertility


F is for Fertility 
I picked today's post theme to be Fertility (check out my B is for Birth Control Post). I have been trying to get pregnant for a while now. Went off my Birth control in March 2015. "Give it a year" my doctor said. Well its been 2 years. The hardest part is when people ask "when are you guys gonna have kids" or some variation. I feel like I let everyone down every month I get my period. I try to ignore it, I try to not be sad, I keep telling myself and everyone else "it will happen when it happens", but the creeping thoughts of "maybe I am just broken" is an insistent nag in the back of my head. I used to google every tiny symptom, "Maybe I'm pregnant", and I would take a pregnancy test, I stopped that after I was emotionally crushed to many times. The hardest part is I don't know anyone who has been through this, everyone I know that has kids "it just happened". They all try to be there for me and I love and appreciate them, but they sometimes say something that supposed to comfort me and its like a stab to my heart. Then they stop saying anything because they know they hurt me, which that's almost worse. I'm so nervous, I just started "Infertility Testing" which is invasive and embarrassing to say the least. I haven't done much yet, its all just making appointments and waiting till my body is at a certain point in my cycle for certain tests, but its just like this big thing that is starting and I don't know whats about to happen, and if it will be a "long hard journey", or maybe it will be a very short one, who knows? Or maybe it will just be a cut and dry thing where I find out I really am broken. The control freak in me in having mini panic attacks pretty much all the time. 

1 comment:

The Plagued Parent said...

I can imagine the stress you are going through. If there is a small problem, hopefully the testing will find it and you can rectify it quickly! It is so difficult to let go of control, but this one is beyond you. Wishing you all the best <3