F is for Fertility
I picked today's post theme to be Fertility (check out my B is for Birth Control Post). I have been trying to get pregnant for a while now. Went off my Birth control in March 2015. "Give it a year" my doctor said. Well its been 2 years. The hardest part is when people ask "when are you guys gonna have kids" or some variation. I feel like I let everyone down every month I get my period. I try to ignore it, I try to not be sad, I keep telling myself and everyone else "it will happen when it happens", but the creeping thoughts of "maybe I am just broken" is an insistent nag in the back of my head. I used to google every tiny symptom, "Maybe I'm pregnant", and I would take a pregnancy test, I stopped that after I was emotionally crushed to many times. The hardest part is I don't know anyone who has been through this, everyone I know that has kids "it just happened". They all try to be there for me and I love and appreciate them, but they sometimes say something that supposed to comfort me and its like a stab to my heart. Then they stop saying anything because they know they hurt me, which that's almost worse. I'm so nervous, I just started "Infertility Testing" which is invasive and embarrassing to say the least. I haven't done much yet, its all just making appointments and waiting till my body is at a certain point in my cycle for certain tests, but its just like this big thing that is starting and I don't know whats about to happen, and if it will be a "long hard journey", or maybe it will be a very short one, who knows? Or maybe it will just be a cut and dry thing where I find out I really am broken. The control freak in me in having mini panic attacks pretty much all the time.