Tuesday, December 12, 2017

I got lost for a bit. But I made it up to now.

I got lost for a bit. But I made it.

My last post was May 2017. How much has happened? Spring, Summer, and Fall happened and now its winter again. I went on a cruise (it was OK, i'm probably not gonna be a "Cruiser" though), Hunny and I had our 1 year anniversary (yay!), my hair has been various shades of Blue, Pink, Purple and green, and now i'm back to blonde for a while. I traveled quite a bit this summer, the cruise to Bermuda, the eclipse in South Carolina, my friend's bachlorette party in Maryland, and Pittsburgh to see friends. They were all great but I am a homebody at heart and am happy to be home for a few months now. My grandma came and visited too, it was great.

So now here I am. I have a pretty great life, especially when I look back on the Facebook highlights like that. So why does every day feel so damn hard some times? Today, I am dizzy, my clothes feel too tight, my bones ache, and my head hurts. Oh yea, holiday depression. The anxiety starts around the time the holiday decor comes out. I can feel my throat get tight at every early Christmas tree. I power though it with Halloween, and decorate and eat as much chocolate as I want. Then as soon as the decorations are down (usually November 2nd, cause I hate late hanging holiday decor), the pit in my stomach starts. I plan my way through it though, cooking my way to thanksgiving, planing a menu for my family's thanksgiving on Saturday after the actual holiday which happily involves no turkey and I beg my mother in law to let me cook something for the in-law thanksgiving that happens on the day of the holiday, which this year she conceded and it was wonderful to help. Then it starts to  happen. I can practically see the black clouds of my mind coming, and in my head I run and I cry and I slam my fists against the coming storm of depression. Some years I win, honestly I do. And those years are pretty good. This year has not treated me so well. I forget depression, like a tattoo or bad pain, is so awful and that you have to fight back constantly or it cripples you. Every minute of every day i want to cry or hide in my bed. I feel worthless, like i take up to much space. I keep questioning myself and tell people around me i am not really worth listening to. Depression lies, but speaks so loud its hard to drown it out.
I lost Ms Meow on December 1st. She was old and sick, but your never really ready to lose your furry friends. There really aren't words that can express how much it really hurts. I will try in another post to talk about it, but today isn't the day. I made it through 2 days without crying. Today wasn't one of them. Losing her was a tipping point, the sadness of losing her gave my depression enough room to take over.
Depression for me manifests in physical ailments as well as the general feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. Usually with intense nausea and headaches. Sometimes i will throw up i feel so sick, sometimes i get so tired i am dizzy.
I have to get surgery in January. I will tell you about it another day. But suffice to say, its scary and its giving me anxiety. My depression keeps whispering how many things will go wrong. When I am not having anxiety about what could go wrong, my depression tells me i shouldn't bother with the surgery, I deserve all the pain and issues I have.

Today is hard. Depression lies.

Oh yea, this was me last year too. No, this is not my favorite time of year......