Hunny and I have been trying to get pregnant for about 3 years now. It hasn't worked. Can I make a sex joke now? Seems a little crude and sorta sad. No worries, I will make plenty of inappropriate jokes in this post eventually.
Before I met Hunny, I did not want kids. I had been married once before for a short time, and I knew that I definitely did not want kids with that guy, and I just assumed that meant I wouldn't want kids ever. Then, years later, when Hunny and I decided to get married and do life together, I couldn't help but think about how much the world need to have his lil baby spawn in it. He's handsome, smart, tall, healthy, green eyes, thick blond hair with very little hair loss in his family, all the right stuff to pass on to our future babies. So, I stopped my birth control shot in March of 2015, then I counted 1 year after it ended, and started to clock my cycle (all with his knowledge, just so ya'll know). Since our wedding was in June of 2016, I didn't much think about the fact we had not had any luck yet until a few months after the wedding.
Around September of 2016 I thought hmmm.....weird, it’s been a while now. So, we started to try and have sex during fertile times on purpose and we let that ride for a while. (hehe, get it, ride? like im gonna ride...nevermind. Just move past this.)
A few months later I went to a gyno. She decided to send Hunny for testing first since my cycles were regular and I had never had any real gynecological issues before. Hunny's first test came back all fuck up. The Dr suggested a second test, because that first one was so freaking bad, maybe it wasn't a real result. At that point we were like, no, we need a minute, this was getting a little dramatic already for us. I mean, this was a huge, catastrophic, stress that just got dropped on us. This test basically told us that Hunny was fucked up and there was never going to be a way to fix it or for him to make babies, ever. Anyone who has ever known a strong man like my husband will know how huge of a blow this was for him.
So we waited a few months and we decided to check out a local doctor that had come up on my google searches as exceptional in the field of infertility, PLUS he had his own office and Hunny could "make his specimen" and then drop it off to them, rather than the torture of having to do the "specimen" in an office. This test came back totally fine. That was a relief!!!
Let me pause a moment show you the pie chart of infertility!
This pie chart was my new infertility doctor's favorite damn thing. He draws this shit all the damn time to show us. I hate this pie chart, but I really love this Doctor. He’s totally honest, doesn't suggest stupid unnecessary shit, and just really seems to understand us and our emotions and stresses about this who damn thing but is still practical and logical and honest.
Now that Hunny is ruled out, this means I am the one who is fucked up. Great. So, we went through a few more months of testing me and they all come back golden. By the way, in case you’re wondering, some of these doctors who do the testing are equally as awkward as you are. The best, for me, was the guy who did my HSG test. They lay you down, put a camera over your lower body, then the doctor comes in and jams some dye into your uterus and that dye goes through your Fallopian tubes and they watch all that in real time with the giant camera that’s hovering over you and a TV that looks like its from 1982. This doctor was a handsome older gentleman with great hair. After my test, he comes over, hands in pockets, and says "Alright, test looks great. Often this test will clear up the works down there, so now you and your husband should Go Get Em." This statement was completed with a mid-body fist pump. Da fuk?! Let me tell you, having sex to make babies feels less like “go get em” and more like, “ok you’re in, now this angle is supposed to be best, then when your done I will stand on my head while you hold my legs. Did you drink that tea? OK good. Are we facing north? They say if we face north it will be a girl.” Yea. Sex to make babies is like that.
So finally, after some time and some “going-and-getting-em" with my husband, and some more testing, we got to the "well its either endometriosis or....um...your part of the 15%".
So, I had surgery for endometriosis. This worked like a miracle that I didn't know I needed, cause now my periods are SO much less painful. Apparently, I had only a little bit of endo, but it was attached to my spine. This explained my cramps and how it always seemed to me like my legs and entire body were in horrible pain, not just the area around my uterus. I had no idea cramps weren't that way for everyone. Ladies, listen to the damn commercial TELL YOUR DOCTOR HOW MUCH YOUR CRAMPS REALLY HURT AND PLEASE ALSO TELL THEM WHERE IT HURTS!! I never had sex pain or some of the other symptoms, because my endo was small, but the fact that it was attached to my spine, eventually it would have gotten much worse and much scarier had I not taken care of it.
Anyway, so the endo was gone, that surgery was in late January 2018. The doctor said to come back in 2 months. We haven't been back yet.
When this all started in 2015, I felt awkward talking about this all with Hunny. I mean, everyone seems to forget or just ignore, your talking about my sex life and not the like fun stuff, you’re talking about sex (and doing the sex) in the most clinical way. It feels weird to talk about, sorry it just does. But by 2017, it was still awkward, but talking about this stuff was necessary by now. Text messages involving camels and humping ensued during fertile times now. I really got to step up my sexy pick-up lines around then too (Hunny does not agree that the pick-up lines are sexy. Phfft, then why he fall for them, huh? I even got the eyebrow goin all sexy whilst I stand there in my sexy pose).
|Me being sexy.|
After doctor’s appointments, surgery, and WAY to many conversations with friends and family about all this, the conversations are not so awkward anymore. The sex isn't so clinical anymore either (the pick-up lines are still great though, I have expanded to sexy puns now) and the intrusive questions from friends and family and.....strangers, I can now react to with less emotion (“well grocery store clerk, no we have not had a baby yet, the gerbil in my uterus is demanding more sacrifices now that I’m getting older. I never should have made that deal with that voodoo guy in Louisiana when I was 9.”)
But, where does all this all leave us? Well, Hunny and I had to have a real talk, but to be honest, we both already knew what we were going to decide. We had always had the same opinions regarding medical interventions in many situations and had talked about it a lot over the years. All of our next options involved a lot of intrusive medical intervention. Meaning, the doctor is going to have to implant, or fertilize externally, or any number of medical processes to get us pregnant. Now price tags are attached to our potential pregnancy, and more importantly, risks that would not be there in a natural pregnancy. For us, if our potential babies were created due to a medical intervention, and that baby came out with medical issues, that is not something we would ever be able to emotionally recover from, we both honestly believe that we would feel such guilt it would tear us apart inside. If a baby of ours was created naturally and had the same issues, at least then we would feel like that is something that just happened, and we did our best to make it not happen, and we could deal with a living that life and taking care of our child together. So, for us, that means we are done with medical intervention at this time.
Sure, we will probably review this decision a few times more in our lives, and that's good, it’s always good to review big decisions. I will cry still some months and I will still have a pang of jealously when the people around me hold their baby bumps. But that's better than living in the in-between. In-between the tests and appointments and the waiting every month to see if 'maybe that is a symptom of pregnancy'. Its better then every single month getting my period and feeling like a failure. It’s easier now to talk to family and tell them we have made a choice, even if they do just ignore it and say "it’s just a matter of time before it happens", or "as soon as you do something big it will happen for you I just know it". OK, that's fine, maybe they are right, I don't think so, but sure. I have to grieve for the life we never could have had, I have to move on, I can’t spend my life waiting and crying for a baby that never had a chance of existing. I have to create a life with my husband that will be just us and make choices for our future that don’t end with 'until we have a baby'.
So, I think I’m going to trade in my RAV for a Dodge Hellcat and go to mechanic school. Vroom-Vroom!!
|My future car.|